two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself. One man said "I wish I could do that." the other man said "you should probably just pet him first."

Two nuns driving down the road, A streaker jumps out in front of the car and flashes them.

One nun says quick show him your cross sister Mary,

So she leans out the window and says " Fcuk off you dirty perverted Cunce!!"

"It's not the bullet that's got my name on it that concerns me; it's all them other ones flyin' around marked 'To Whom It May Concern.'"

Emotional scenes were reported in the Greek islands as a boat full of desperate people approached the shore. People on the beach could hear them chanting "staying alive, staying alive!" As they came into view, they saw that they were refubeegees.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

A man was telling his mate about changes to his will.

You won't belive what happened last night...
My daughter walked into the living room and said Dad,
Cancel my allowance immediately; forget my college tuition loan,
Rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window;
Take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewellery
To the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then, sell my car; take my front door key away from me
And throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and
Never talk to me again and don't forget to write me
Out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.

"Bloody hell," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well. she didn't use those exact words,..

Actually she said...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed"

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Some good one-liners....

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back."
"Half the people you know are below average."
"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
"82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot."
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
"All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met."
"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"
"Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.""
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

Both have their head on a pilau!