Ladies often complain about men spreading their legs wide open, which I get, but my main gripe is ladies (almost exclusively) who decide to put their bags under the table rather than on the table or on the luggage rack, thus meaning you have to contend with not only legs under the table, but luggage too.

I usually park on Enmore road on match days ... Not that long ago some black yoot was tooting his horn as I looked for a place to park so I pulled over and let him pass ... Gesturing for him to do so ... He shouted "whaaaaaaat" at me and then "to remember where you are"... I'm 6'3 and my passenger is 6'4 ... Kinda wish we both got out now!

Edited by Blue'n'red (27 Apr 2016 3.06am)

nowadays there seems to be a thing where as soon as the lights change some bell about 4 th down the line toots his horn .

I live in a cul-de-sac in an estate about 500 miles from Selhurst Park. At the entrance to the cul-de-sac is a T-junction with another residential street. Opposite the entrance to the cul-de-sac is a house. In that house there lives the finest example of a total bellend I have ever known.

He chapped my door once to try to tell me off for sn!ggering at his dog, which sh!tes on the pavement or the green bit where kids play every day and which they do not clear up after. I told him I was having a private conversation with Mrs CF which was none of his business. So he issued some stupid threat of violence and waited for me to wilt, and I disappointed him by telling him to f*** off and then slammed the door in face. For good measure I then had the police have a word with him. So what does he do? Like any good bellend he then sends the police round to me on feeble pretexts like putting my bin or my car in the way of where he walks his ruddy dog. Of course my car is parked perfectly safely so nothing comes of it. A few weeks later he had precisely the same conversation with Mrs CF.

Anyway. Bellend applied for and obtained planning permission to erect a structure the size of the Taj Mahal in his back garden. Because it isn't big enough he subtly moved his fence about 2 metres to steal extra land from the community woodland behind the Taj Mahal. The thing is supposedly a "garage with a play room above" and is not, according to the planning consent, to be used as a dwelling-house. Ignoring altogether the terms of the consent Bellend then moves his daughter, her boyfriend and their wean into the Taj Mahal, and parks their 7 (seven) vehicles all over the place around the entrance to the T-junction so that nobody can get in or out or walk on the pavement (cf. his complaints about my car) and also parks in front of his neighbours' houses so that they cannot. The vehicles range from sports cars through a big Audi to a small van and a great big f***-off moon buggy thing with a massive trailer filled with machinery and rubbish. None of these contraptions is kept in the "garage" (presumably because it's really a house or a business premises) but they are all parked all over the street and on the pavements. One of his clan washes cars for a living and he does that in the middle of the street too with everyone else trying to drive round him whilst he glares and snarls at them.

Bellend has a history of bullying those who complain about his behaviour or the Taj Mahal and has been persecuting his elderly neighbours constantly for reporting his breaches of planning consent and theft of land. He's been instructed by the Council to move the fence back and return the land, but responded by building the Berlin Wall in place of the fence and festooning it with flying buttresses, barbed wire and steel reinforcement. He also likes ostentatiously filming anyone who goes near the place and has had film confiscated by plod at least once. His fiefdom is surrounded by fixed cameras and other security apparatus including a thing like the Brandenburger Tor across his driveway topped off with spikes, bollock-removers, and a huge dog.

I don't think bellends come in much larger sizes than that.

Edited by chateauferret (29 Apr 2016 1.32am)

I live in a cul-de-sac in an estate about 500 miles from Selhurst Park. At the entrance to the cul-de-sac is a T-junction with another residential street. Opposite the entrance to the cul-de-sac is a house. In that house there lives the finest example of a total bellend I have ever known.

He chapped my door once to try to tell me off for sn!ggering at his dog, which sh!tes on the pavement or the green bit where kids play every day and which they do not clear up after. I told him I was having a private conversation with Mrs CF which was none of his business. So he issued some stupid threat of violence and waited for me to wilt, and I disappointed him by telling him to f*** off and then slammed the door in face. For good measure I then had the police have a word with him. So what does he do? Like any good bellend he then sends the police round to me on feeble pretexts like putting my bin or my car in the way of where he walks his ruddy dog. Of course my car is parked perfectly safely so nothing comes of it. A few weeks later he had precisely the same conversation with Mrs CF.

Anyway. Bellend applied for and obtained planning permission to erect a structure the size of the Taj Mahal in his back garden. Because it isn't big enough he subtly moved his fence about 2 metres to steal extra land from the community woodland behind the Taj Mahal. The thing is supposedly a "garage with a play room above" and is not, according to the planning consent, to be used as a dwelling-house. Ignoring altogether the terms of the consent Bellend then moves his daughter, her boyfriend and their wean into the Taj Mahal, and parks their 7 (seven) vehicles all over the place around the entrance to the T-junction so that nobody can get in or out or walk on the pavement (cf. his complaints about my car) and also parks in front of his neighbours' houses so that they cannot. The vehicles range from sports cars through a big Audi to a small van and a great big f***-off moon buggy thing with a massive trailer filled with machinery and rubbish. None of these contraptions is kept in the "garage" (presumably because it's really a house or a business premises) but they are all parked all over the street and on the pavements. One of his clan washes cars for a living and he does that in the middle of the street too with everyone else trying to drive round him whilst he glares and snarls at them.

Bellend has a history of bullying those who complain about his behaviour or the Taj Mahal and has been persecuting his elderly neighbours constantly for reporting his breaches of planning consent and theft of land. He's been instructed by the Council to move the fence back and return the land, but responded by building the Berlin Wall in place of the fence and festooning it with flying buttresses, barbed wire and steel reinforcement. He also likes ostentatiously filming anyone who goes near the place and has had film confiscated by plod at least once. His fiefdom is surrounded by fixed cameras and other security apparatus including a thing like the Brandenburger Tor across his driveway topped off with spikes, bollock-removers, and a huge dog.

I don't think bellends come in much larger sizes than that.

Edited by chateauferret (29 Apr 2016 1.32am)