Regale me with your tales of failure with women...

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jcreedy 21 Jul 09 12.24pm
Quote SpikeyMatt at 20 Jul 2009 9:48pm Last year in Kos... Saw this smashingly lovely girl walking along the beach one afternoon and fell in love right away. She wasn't amazingly attractive but there was something about her. Anyway, I decided not to do anything for then in the hope I'd see her again. She walked past again, at a similar time, the following day. So I followed her (yeah, I know...), keeping my distance (probably about 20 yards) in the hope that she might stop somewhere. Sure enough, she did - at one of those tacky touristy shop types to pick up an ice cream. I catch her eye from the pavement and casually saunter up totally lovestruck not knowing really what to say - the mind was going at 450 million mph. But that problem over what to say didn't matter, because I tripped up the pavement, tried to keep my balance, staggered forward and just collapsed in a heap. I got up, dusted myself off without trying to clock what she thought of my trip - that didn't matter either, she was laughing to herself. So I picked up a packet of Mentos and walked back to our spot on the beach with my tail firmly between my legs. FAIL. There's a lesson to be learnt there Matthew. If you'd spoken to her in the first place mate, you would probably have been banging her until the plane home!! It was my dream to play for Palace and to make my debut. I've always played for the club so if I'm playing here, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. - John Bostock (Nov 2007)
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jcreedy

21 Jul 09 12.24pm

Quote SpikeyMatt at 20 Jul 2009 9:48pm

Last year in Kos...

Saw this smashingly lovely girl walking along the beach one afternoon and fell in love right away. She wasn't amazingly attractive but there was something about her. Anyway, I decided not to do anything for then in the hope I'd see her again. She walked past again, at a similar time, the following day.

So I followed her (yeah, I know...), keeping my distance (probably about 20 yards) in the hope that she might stop somewhere. Sure enough, she did - at one of those tacky touristy shop types to pick up an ice cream. I catch her eye from the pavement and casually saunter up totally lovestruck not knowing really what to say - the mind was going at 450 million mph.

But that problem over what to say didn't matter, because I tripped up the pavement, tried to keep my balance, staggered forward and just collapsed in a heap. I got up, dusted myself off without trying to clock what she thought of my trip - that didn't matter either, she was laughing to herself. So I picked up a packet of Mentos and walked back to our spot on the beach with my tail firmly between my legs.

FAIL.

There's a lesson to be learnt there Matthew. If you'd spoken to her in the first place mate, you would probably have been banging her until the plane home!!

It was my dream to play for Palace and to make my debut. I've always played for the club so if I'm playing here, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

- John Bostock (Nov 2007)

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Jake d'Eagle in the section labelled 'shirts', ... 21 Jul 09 12.41pm
There isn't time, or space on the internet to tell you about the the times I failed with the laydeez. I got shot down more times than the Luftwaffe. I have now chosen to only remember my successes. Both of them. Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip, Come on over to the Mothership, baby [Link] Transformation is Happening
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Jake d'Eagle

in the section labelled 'shirts', ... 21 Jul 09 12.41pm

There isn't time, or space on the internet to tell you about the the times I failed with the laydeez.

I got shot down more times than the Luftwaffe. I have now chosen to only remember my successes.

Both of them.

Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening

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Kermit8 Hevon 21 Jul 09 12.42pm
Quote Jake d'Eagle at 21 Jul 2009 12:41pm There isn't time, or space on the internet to tell you about the the times I failed with the laydeez. I got shot down more times than the Luftwaffe. I have now chosen to only remember my successes. Both of them. Schizophrenics don't count as two. Cheat. Big chest and massive boobs [Link]
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Kermit8

Hevon 21 Jul 09 12.42pm

Quote Jake d'Eagle at 21 Jul 2009 12:41pm

There isn't time, or space on the internet to tell you about the the times I failed with the laydeez.

I got shot down more times than the Luftwaffe. I have now chosen to only remember my successes.

Both of them.

Schizophrenics don't count as two. Cheat.

Big chest and massive boobs

[Link]

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madcap #winning 21 Jul 09 1.09pm
I never fail with women or i have so many fails to post and so little time in my lunchbreak... All Football fans are scum and should be treated as such Thank You, Goodnight, Much Love x
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madcap

#winning 21 Jul 09 1.09pm

I never fail with women

or i have so many fails to post and so little time in my lunchbreak...

All Football fans are scum and should be treated as such

Thank You, Goodnight, Much Love x

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Cucking Funt Clapham on the Back 21 Jul 09 1.54pm
I never fail with women. It's more a question of whether they succeed with me. Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham
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Cucking Funt

Clapham on the Back 21 Jul 09 1.54pm

I never fail with women. It's more a question of whether they succeed with me.

Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham

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LiamC Up Shit Creek, sans paddle 21 Jul 09 1.56pm
I never fail with women unless they can run faster than me. *I'll fck you 'til you love me, fggot!*
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LiamC

Up Shit Creek, sans paddle 21 Jul 09 1.56pm

I never fail with women unless they can run faster than me.

I'll f*ck you 'til you love me, f*ggot!

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Redhead Ich habe einen schlongen gehlongen 21 Jul 09 3.03pm
Quote LiamC at 21 Jul 2009 1:56pm I never fail with women unless they can run faster than me. I bet there's been occasions where they've been stronger than you, though? [Link]
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Redhead

Ich habe einen schlongen gehlongen 21 Jul 09 3.03pm

Quote LiamC at 21 Jul 2009 1:56pm

I never fail with women unless they can run faster than me.

I bet there's been occasions where they've been stronger than you, though?

[Link]

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Cucking Funt Clapham on the Back 21 Jul 09 3.32pm
Quote Redhead at 21 Jul 2009 3:03pm Quote LiamC at 21 Jul 2009 1:56pm I never fail with women unless they can run faster than me. I bet there's been occasions where they've been stronger than you, though? Or when the Rohypnol didn't work. Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham
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Cucking Funt

Clapham on the Back 21 Jul 09 3.32pm

Quote Redhead at 21 Jul 2009 3:03pm

Quote LiamC at 21 Jul 2009 1:56pm

I never fail with women unless they can run faster than me.

I bet there's been occasions where they've been stronger than you, though?

Or when the Rohypnol didn't work.

Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham

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thegreatlardino crawley/selsey 21 Jul 09 4.04pm
wouldnt have enough hours in the day to regale my glorious failures... They're justified, and they're ancient And they drive an ice cream van
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thegreatlardino

crawley/selsey 21 Jul 09 4.04pm

Send a Private Message to thegreatlardino

wouldnt have enough hours in the day to regale my glorious failures...

They're justified, and they're ancient
And they drive an ice cream van

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palace4prem Redhill 21 Jul 09 4.18pm
This thread is surely a contender for Gold Talk?!? Some great stories here. The story of my biggest fail starts with me in my student union, very drunk. I see a girl who I fancied and had chatted to on numerous occasions before so I decide to go up and say hello again. Things go well and we end up back at her place, stopping to grab a bit of food on the way home. Now she lived in typical student accomodation - a small room with a little ensuite at one end. Once back at hers the copious amounts of beer i'd drunk, mixed with the kebab i'd just eaten was a little too much for my stomach to handle so I ask to use her ensuite bathroom. Once in there I proceed to unleash a very liquidy and extremely bad smelling crap in her toilet, complete with all the sound effects - straining, grunting, uncontrollable runny farts and the sound of my sh*t splasing all over the inside of her toilet. What I didn't realise was the walls of this bathroom were paper thin and she could infact hear every little detail of what was taking place inside her bathroom. When finished I open the door of her bathroom and step back into her room to see a rather shocked and completely disgusted expression plastered accross her face. To make matters worse, while in there the shut door was keeping the rather toxic smell inside, however upon exiting, the smell was unleashed into her room. You could see the exact moment it reached her nostrils. I suggested opening a window to let the smell out but was just greeted with the response of, "please leave." I did and not surprisingly, she never spoke to me again. Edited by palace4prem (21 Jul 2009 4:21pm) David Hopkin...... looking to curl one!!!
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palace4prem

Redhill 21 Jul 09 4.18pm

This thread is surely a contender for Gold Talk?!? Some great stories here.

The story of my biggest fail starts with me in my student union, very drunk. I see a girl who I fancied and had chatted to on numerous occasions before so I decide to go up and say hello again. Things go well and we end up back at her place, stopping to grab a bit of food on the way home.

Now she lived in typical student accomodation - a small room with a little ensuite at one end. Once back at hers the copious amounts of beer i'd drunk, mixed with the kebab i'd just eaten was a little too much for my stomach to handle so I ask to use her ensuite bathroom. Once in there I proceed to unleash a very liquidy and extremely bad smelling crap in her toilet, complete with all the sound effects - straining, grunting, uncontrollable runny farts and the sound of my sh*t splasing all over the inside of her toilet.

What I didn't realise was the walls of this bathroom were paper thin and she could infact hear every little detail of what was taking place inside her bathroom. When finished I open the door of her bathroom and step back into her room to see a rather shocked and completely disgusted expression plastered accross her face.

To make matters worse, while in there the shut door was keeping the rather toxic smell inside, however upon exiting, the smell was unleashed into her room. You could see the exact moment it reached her nostrils. I suggested opening a window to let the smell out but was just greeted with the response of, "please leave." I did and not surprisingly, she never spoke to me again.

Edited by palace4prem (21 Jul 2009 4:21pm)

David Hopkin...... looking to curl one!!!

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Don Rogers Tache hanging around the local Taco Bell... 21 Jul 09 4.20pm
Class quip Moose.And I can assure you vultures that no faeces was involved. Given everybodies already low esteem of me on this site,if I spilt the beans,that esteem would plummet even further. What I will say is this-If there is a God,he saw what happened that night,which explains the miserable existence that I now lead today! And with good reason. sniff I know you are but what am I?
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Don Rogers Tache

hanging around the local Taco Bell... 21 Jul 09 4.20pm

Class quip Moose.And I can assure you vultures that no faeces was involved.

Given everybodies already low esteem of me on this site,if I spilt the beans,that esteem would plummet even further.
What I will say is this-If there is a God,he saw what happened that night,which explains the miserable existence that I now lead today!

And with good reason.

*sniff*

I know you are but what am I?

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Kenny Lunt Somewhere a whole lot better than ... 21 Jul 09 4.31pm
Quote EagleEyedAlbert at 20 Jul 2009 4:40pm whilst at a house party when i was 15, i managed to blag to a seriously fit 18 year old that i was also 18. By reeling off my older brother's educational program and place of study, she took my word for it. Being surrounded by about 20 of my mates who were all also 15, i thought i'd casually suggest we get out out of there. She drops in that a few of her mates are in a pub up the road, would i like to escort her there? So off we go, casually mosying up to the pub, stopping for the odd snog and the like when from across the road, two of my school mates shout out in their semi-broken tones "alright Matt?" i ignore them and try to move on, she asks "who are they?"... "oh, they're just some of my younger (made up) brother's friends, let's keep going". Just as we're about to get to the pub, she decides to tell me that i can't go in with her and after asking why, it turns out that she's already seeing two guys who are in there. My suggestion for her to go for hat-trick didn't go down well. But she took my number and said she'd call me maybe. This is where i should have quit whilst ahead. Admitting defeat i let her go into the pub, go across the road to see the mates that i ignored and wait for a bus home. After sitting there and getting "s**, she was fit" type pats on the back, i decide i really need a piss. Being 15 and pissed, my brain decided it would be a good idea to go in the pub, casually swan past her table with the two cocks on, say hi, and go to the loo. Now i'd never been to this pub before so in i go... casually walk past her and her mates (including some biiiig dudes) drop a casual "alright?" and walk round the bar. No sign of the gents round there so back i go, past her table again, and to her horror, drop another* "Alright?"... sadly i was too focussed on making eye contact with her to notice a smal stool in my path... which i duely fell over- right over! Getting up, dusting myself down i turned to see the barman giving me the expected "you better be leaving soon" eyeball. "sorry mate where's yer loo?" was greeted with a vague point to the other end of the bar, to which i headed. I staggered to the door which i believed to be the gents, glad of the awaiting solitude, only to open it and discover the f**ing fuse cupboard! Turning round bemused, i discovered the actual* toilet door... in i went, did my business, came out to ironic cheering to which i shouted "go f*** yourselves" and swiftly legged it. she still hasn't called. That's really cheered me up. Cheers mate
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Kenny Lunt

Somewhere a whole lot better than ... 21 Jul 09 4.31pm

Quote EagleEyedAlbert at 20 Jul 2009 4:40pm

whilst at a house party when i was 15, i managed to blag to a seriously fit 18 year old that i was also 18. By reeling off my older brother's educational program and place of study, she took my word for it. Being surrounded by about 20 of my mates who were all also 15, i thought i'd casually suggest we get out out of there. She drops in that a few of her mates are in a pub up the road, would i like to escort her there?

So off we go, casually mosying up to the pub, stopping for the odd snog and the like when from across the road, two of my school mates shout out in their semi-broken tones "alright Matt?" i ignore them and try to move on, she asks "who are they?"... "oh, they're just some of my younger (made up) brother's friends, let's keep going".
Just as we're about to get to the pub, she decides to tell me that i can't go in with her and after asking why, it turns out that she's already seeing two guys who are in there. My suggestion for her to go for hat-trick didn't go down well. But she took my number and said she'd call me maybe. This is where i should have quit whilst ahead.

Admitting defeat i let her go into the pub, go across the road to see the mates that i ignored and wait for a bus home. After sitting there and getting "s***, she was fit" type pats on the back, i decide i really need a piss. Being 15 and pissed, my brain decided it would be a good idea to go in the pub, casually swan past her table with the two cocks on, say hi, and go to the loo.

Now i'd never been to this pub before so in i go... casually walk past her and her mates (including some biiiig dudes) drop a casual "alright?" and walk round the bar. No sign of the gents round there so back i go, past her table again, and to her horror, drop another "Alright?"... sadly i was too focussed on making eye contact with her to notice a smal stool in my path... which i duely fell over- right over!

Getting up, dusting myself down i turned to see the barman giving me the expected "you better be leaving soon" eyeball. "sorry mate where's yer loo?" was greeted with a vague point to the other end of the bar, to which i headed. I staggered to the door which i believed to be the gents, glad of the awaiting solitude, only to open it and discover the f***ing fuse cupboard!

Turning round bemused, i discovered the actual toilet door... in i went, did my business, came out to ironic cheering to which i shouted "go f*** yourselves" and swiftly legged it.

she still hasn't called.

That's really cheered me up. Cheers mate

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