in same vein -

"My wife went to the Carribean a few weeks ago"

"Jamaica?"

"Nah she just decided to"

"He’s a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" – Tony Pulis

The missus went to Indonesia.

Jakarta?

No, she flew.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Mate, I've got millions more of these and they only get worse.

Anyway I thought it was supposed to be a crap joke thread!

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit.
The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says,
"Who was the selfish b****** that did this to you? I demand to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call .Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house.
A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them,

"Your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."

He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jeweller Stores and a £25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"

All is silent at this point,
The mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,

"You'll just have to try again, won't you!!."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

my job as a bingo caller isn't going to well , some of the punters taking a bit of an objection to my slightly off the wall calling , one of them being " hair on her muff , fair enough , 15 "

interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?"
iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "