A travelling salesman checked in at a hotel during a business trip. He was bored and lonely, and thought he'd hire a "lady of the night" to keep him company. So he nipped over the road to a call box, found a card advertising "erotic massages", took the card back to his hotel room and dialled the number.
"Hello", said the girl.
"Wow, you have a sexy voice!" said the guy.
The girl replied "Thank you!"
The guy then said "I'll get straight to the point. I'm sure you do great erotic massages, but what I really want is sex. Rough, dirty sex. I'm staying in room 321 of the Hilton Hotel. I'd like you to come round and give me a good time! If you have a whip, please bring it. I'd like you to whip me, then tie me to the bed and give me a really good seeing-to. How about that?"
"That sounds interesting" said the girl, "but first of all you need to dial 9 to get an outside line."

Mr. Peabody, the local grocer, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old farmer in town.
Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumour had it he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Mr. Peabody asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom replied, "Yes, it is true."
Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"
Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November."
Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
Mr. Peabody wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully suggested that
Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand that very afternoon.
Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Tom in town again.
Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?"
Tom replied, "Good. She's pregnant."
Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well.
He asked, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!"
Never underestimate old men.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

I had yogurt for breakfast,I had yogurt for lunch,I had yogurt for tea.......
I'm Muller'd

I have a job cleaning up leaf's,I'm raking it in!

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

Heathman - I thought that was very funny and it's now on my Facebook page. Thank you

A Texas Cowboy an American Indian and a Muslim Student are waiting for their plane in a small Texas airport.

The Texas Cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

The American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim Student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”

The Texas Cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl:

"That's cause we ain't played Cowboys & Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin".

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.