My brother and I inherited a load of furniture from a Zoo.

Luckily I was given the Lion's Chair.

"Imagine all the Pay-Pal"
John Lennon was way ahead of his time.

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!

I used to work for a nuclear shelter manufacturer. I thought we'd go down like a bomb but we had a fallout.

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher. 'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “Fcuking Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”

"De parrot, he is dead....."

At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto , the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto . What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Is, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob ...."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ......"
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob ......"
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE..............

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

" Ernesto , if you broke that driver, you're in deep s***."

This bloke asked me if I had any strong political views.

I said... "No I don't you lefty Europhile"