Conjunctivitis.com

That's a site for sore eyes!

The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.
When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit..." I entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
I laughed. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
I tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
I was surprised. "That's right! How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
I thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see...Size 36."
I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

"He’s a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" – Tony Pulis

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day..
Even the cake was in teirs.

Did you hear about the guy who sued the airline for misplacing his luggage ?
Apparently they lost the case.

I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Just a thought, is C4 an appropriate gate to have in an airport?