I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2
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| Hoof Hearted 01 May 16 8.25am | |
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Little boy out with his Dad.... Dad why is the Sky blue? Dad how do fishes breath underwater? Dad how do birds fly? Dad do you mind me asking these questions?
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| Hoof Hearted 08 May 16 9.54am | |
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TOP TIP Listen to the latest Now Music Album in it's entirety - phone up EE customer service during the peak period.
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| Hoof Hearted 10 May 16 10.58am | |
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I've downloaded an app that locates all the single middle aged Asian men in your vicinity. It's called Uber.
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 monkey  Sittingbourne,Kent 11 May 16 5.14pm |
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An old couple went to Jerusalem for a holiday. A few days after they arrived, the wife died. The man who worked at the local funeral home told the husband he could pay £150 to have her buried there or £4000 to have her body shipped home. The old man thought about it for a while and said he would rather pay £4000 to have her repatriated.
Made in Bromley |
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| Hoof Hearted 13 May 16 11.25am | |
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"Jesus Loves You" Nice to hear in an English country church. Not so nice to hear in a Mexican county jail.
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BudgiesBeak  London 05 Jul 16 7.42pm |
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Did you hear about the short-sighted doctor who tried to perform a circumcision? He missed, and he got the sack.
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Cannonball  High in the Ozarks. 10 Jul 16 10.32pm |
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Q.How many french soldiers does it take to defend France ?
Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you. |
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| Harpo Oxfordshire 12 Jul 16 9.23am |
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Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot Pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills. Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
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| BudgiesBeak London 17 Aug 16 11.03pm |
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Why is marriage like a hurricane?
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| ex hibitionist Hastings 23 Aug 16 8.08pm |
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They do not show The Flinstones in either Bahrain, Dubai or the United Arab Emirates ... but Abu Dabi do.
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| Palacetinian Surrey Fam 23 Aug 16 8.21pm |
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Best One liners from the Edinburgh fringe!! “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” “Why is it old people say, ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one...” “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” “Apparently, one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are really well lit.” “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so I wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second.” “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” “Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President. As long as your husband did it first.” “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” “I don’t know why my elderly neighbour bothers subscribing to newspapers if he’s just going to let them pile up outside his house.” “When I’m listening to U2, I turn down the treble a little bit. Just to take The Edge off.” “Spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more.” “My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky.” “I’ve made a terrible spelling mistake in the wedding order of service. My stepfather, of course, is a COUNT’” “I sometimes feel suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. So I did, and now I can ride a motorbike. How’s that going to help?” “My dad was an Army engineer who specialised in clearing minefields. He always wanted me to follow in his footsteps.” “Everyone has a racist gran. I call mine Ku Klux nan” “I lost a court case battle against a popular fabric softener; I fought Lenor, and Lenor won” “It took me two hours before I realised my pot of herbs had gone missing. I thought: ‘No way? Where’s the thyme gone!’” “From my window all I can see is fish fingers. I’ve got a Birds Eye view.” “Getting dumped on Pancake Day – you’d flip.” “In tennis, what does deuce mean? It’s a refreshing drink drunk by players between games.” “I love my area, but it’s been getting a bit gentrified recently – I can tell because my dealer’s joined LinkedIn.” “My mum likes the saying ‘Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.’ I’m asthmatic, that’s out of order.” “I think we should change the name of Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes to Not Your Fault Diabetes and Mostly Your Fault Diabetes.” “I can’t exercise for long. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” “Do you know what I’d do if I found you in bed with my wife? I’d tuck you in.” “At University I studied archaeology. I scraped through my exams.” “If you want your child to have a head start in the science industry then consider naming it ‘Et Al’. Get its name on a lot of science papers straight away."
Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)! |
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| Palacetinian Surrey Fam 23 Aug 16 9.07pm |
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21 Great One Liners “If you want your child to have a head start in the science industry then consider naming it ‘Et Al’. Get its name on a lot of science papers straight away." "I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill." "Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic." "I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months." "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas." "My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne." "I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice." "People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." "I'm allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher." "You have to think positively, for example, I don't have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity." "Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday?" "I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel." "My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious." "Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry." "Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for "unwanted pregnancy?"" "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." "My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs." "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately." "Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens." "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: 'Oh, two or three'. She wondered why her marriage didn't work." "Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat." "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."
Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)! |
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