Is it wrong that part of me wants this to happen?

On one hand, he is the quintessential maverick, a liability and a bit of a headcase. On the other, he's immensely talented.

Problem is, we need our lone striker to work hard. Not exactly how you'd describe Balotelli's game.

So, I suggest the following:

Mario signs, turns up for training in a go-kart, with a gimp on a leash, a grin that would put the Cheshire Cat to shame and enough fireworks for Chinese New Year.

Ledley, Jedi and McArthur grab him, pin him to the wall and "welcome" him to the team. Pardew sees this, ushers Balotelli into his office and puts an arm round him. Blood pouring from his face, he leaves for home, and reflects on his career so far. Eureka! Balotelli has an epiphany, and returns the following day and trains harder than he has ever trained. Impressed, Pardew starts him against Norwich, and Mario gives Suarez a run for his money in the "Let's score worldies against Norwich" competition, running himself into the ground, earning the respect of his peers and admiration from the fans.

His career rejuvenated, Balotelli goes on to fire Palace into the Champions League, and Pardew is heralded as the man who tamed the beast.

Woy does the right thing, and stands down just before Euro 2016, with Pardew quickly installed as England manager. Against the odds, England win the competition. Upon collecting their winners medals, Pardew causes the biggest sporting scandal in football when he headbutts Platini before disappearing into the sunset with two Crystals on his arm.

Mario Balotelli later forms a rap group with Yannick Bolasie and Wilfried Zaha.

Now, some of this may never happen, but with Balotelli in the side, you're never quite sure what could happen.

Can't believe he went to AC Milan instead of to us in a swap deal for Fraizer Campbell.