Whenever I check in to a Travelodge they always ask for my surname. After I give it they always seem to say "fantastic!". Hardly.

I really think that they are setting the benchmark a bit low there. I've not discovered the cure for cancer. I've just been able to remember what my surname is. Perhaps they look at me and think that's really impressive for a man of my age.

Waiting staff who put the plate of food in front of your and say "Enjoy"! I'll please my bl**dy self whether I enjoy it or not so don't tell me what to do with it, thank you!!!!!!!!

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers

I get more annoyed that they seem to time their “is everything ok with your meal?” to the moment I’ve shovelled half my plate in my mouth.

Clearing the table when one of us is still eating is my biggest bęte noir in restaurants and when anyone does it my wife looks at me with her "oh God he's going to explode again" look

When walking with my 9 year old and she makes an inappropriate use of the word "wait" as a meaningless prefix to a sentence i come to a dead stop and wait as instructed.

Nip and tuck