Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket?

They've reformed The Doors!

Loverman is a fcuking arsehole.

I said to the doctor: "I keep wrapping cling film over my testicles!"
He said "I can clearly see your nuts."

I was at the zoo and this bloke was chatting up a cheetah. i thought he's trying to pull a fast one.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.

A man buys his wife a coat made from 2000 hamster skins.

She wore it when they went to Blackpool for the day ...

He couldn't get her off the big wheel.

Boy asks his Granny "have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies "f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

What do you call a bloke with a pound of bacon on his head?

Hamed

What do you call a bloke with two pounds of bacon on his head?

Mohammed

What do you call a bloke with two pounds of bacon on his head and a vibrator up his ar*e?

Sheik Mohammed

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

Sorry Im late for school miss, my Dad got burned.

Sorry to hear that, was it serious?

Sure was, they dont f*** about down the crematorium.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who cant.