A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.......................................................

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

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Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Why did God give women small hands?

So they can get into the corners more easily.

What do you do if a woman has no legs?

Move the cooker next to the bed.

Why does a woman have a brain cell more than a cow?

So that she doesn't take a sh*t in the kitchen.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Batman confronts a villain, whacks him over the head with a vase yelling "T'PAU !!!"

"Don't you mean 'KAPOW' ?! asks the villain

"Nah" says Batman, "I've got china in my hand"....

Grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?

An octopus....

We are not here to fuck spiders...

Q> What do women and the BP oil leak have in common ?

A< Put a ring on them and they stop giving out,

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

I got a rolex as a present from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Oh....