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March 19 2024 4.21am

I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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View Pikester's Profile Pikester Flag Worthing 19 Sep 13 1.42pm Send a Private Message to Pikester Add Pikester as a friend

Quote doi209 at 16 Jul 2013 8.46pm

A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..

"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't have a proper name. Bad news is..you only have six months to live..."

The man goes home and tells his wife. After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.

So the go down to Gala Bingo. In the entrance hall he puts a pound in the slot machine..and wins £200.

He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.

He plays the national link and wins £20000.

Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive. You win £200, all the bingo and £20k national."

The man says "I have Yellow 42"

"Bugger me" says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well".


This got the first laugh out of my teenage boys for years. Normally I tell them I have a joke for them and they raise their eyebrows and skulk off. For a few moments after telling this one they almost liked me!

 


You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.

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View eagles400's Profile eagles400 Flag Godalming 19 Sep 13 2.14pm Send a Private Message to eagles400 Add eagles400 as a friend

A man is sitting at a bar alone and when a stranger walks in. They exchange a few pleasantries and the random man asks why he is sitting alone "you see that wall over there? The one with the perfect pointing? Beautiful isn’t it? I built that with my own hands" The random man agrees "it sure is a brilliant wall, but that doesn't answer my question?!
The man continues "as you drove in to the Village, did you notice the bridge? The massive bridge with the immaculate pointing in the brickwork and the steels at the perfect angles?" A real work of art isn't it?! I built that" Again the random man agrees but still confused as to why this man is sitting alone.
"Did you see the dam as you drove in off the motorway? Beautiful isn't it, because of me this village will never flood now; I built that with my own bare hands but you shag one goat………..”

 

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View Pikester's Profile Pikester Flag Worthing 19 Sep 13 7.46pm Send a Private Message to Pikester Add Pikester as a friend

We call my granddad Spiderman - he hasn't got any special powers, he just has trouble getting out the bath.

I nearly didn't make it to work today. My wife was heating some Alphabetti Spaghetti and it exploded.
No one was hurt but it could have spelt disaster.


 


You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.

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View Lumsdero's Profile Lumsdero Flag 20 Sep 13 4.25pm Send a Private Message to Lumsdero Add Lumsdero as a friend

3 mums are in the queue for the cinema with their children, whilst waiting a young girl looks up at her mother and asks:

Why is my name Rose, mama?

Mum: because darling, when you were born a rose petal drifted from the sky and landed on your head, it seemed appropriate.

Another young, inquisitive girl looks up and asks:

Why is my name Lily?

Mum: well, when you were born, a Lily fell from the sky and landed on your head, it was a beautiful moment.

Third in line looks up at his mother and asks:

WHWYFR ISIUDF VYMYJJMN NAAAMEME BRIRJKWEML DERRG?

Mum: Shut up Brick

 

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 30 Sep 13 10.51am Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie. 'Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?' she asked.

'I go to the football match,' replied the child.
'And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?'
'I go to Sunday School.'
'And which do you like best?'
'There's not much to choose between them, really,' said the boy. 'At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus' sake and at the football match they tell me to sit down for God's sake!'

 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 02 Oct 13 11.32pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Why do farmers wear wellington boots?

Because they don't give subsidies for shoelaces.

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 03 Oct 13 12.57pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

I think my wife might be dead.

In bed things are the same but the kitchen's in a right state!

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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View steviebarton's Profile steviebarton Flag Gosberton, Lincolnshire 09 Oct 13 10.12pm Send a Private Message to steviebarton Add steviebarton as a friend

A government minister said "badgers moved the goalposts" when asked why marksmen failed to reach a cull target. (BBC News). Possible way of tightening up our defence?

 

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View SirPeanut's Profile SirPeanut Flag Keston 09 Oct 13 11.28pm Send a Private Message to SirPeanut Add SirPeanut as a friend

You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them.

Really full of themselves.

 


There are two kinds of person in this world:
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

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View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 10 Oct 13 9.18am Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Quote SirPeanut at 09 Oct 2013 11.28pm

You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them.

Really full of themselves.


 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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View PA's Profile PA Flag Bedfordshire 10 Oct 13 10.07pm Send a Private Message to PA Add PA as a friend

Have you noticed how cute petite sexy ladies all drive little sports cars.

Which reminds me that the MOT is due on my wife's Transit van.

 

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suicideatselhurst Flag crawley 14 Oct 13 2.11pm

What do you say to woman with two black eye's...Nothing you have already told her twice

 


Theres someone in my head ... But its not me

X/Box game Tag bazcpfc1961, clan (HMS)

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