A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am."

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "No, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good. She stops in a shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a certain way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you at McDonalds..."

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

When I was in London today i went in a fancy dress shop and the woman tried to give me a man utd kit, I said I am sorry love you have misunderstood me I want to be a COUNT

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

Johnny, have you been opening the Christmas Crackers early?

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.