The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's A&E, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your t1ts, then?'

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

I was in a pub in Charlton last Saturday night,
when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed
my rear and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back into it, before the farmer
notices you're missing."

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

You know who's not up to much again this weekend?

Michael Schumacher.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

A man is taking a little girl down to the woods, the girl looks upto the man and says "mr, I'm scared" the man replies "you're scared, I've gotta walk back on my own"

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

A Cannibal turns up late to buffet. He was given the cold shoulder.