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March 29 2024 3.30pm

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View Michaelawt85's Profile Michaelawt85 Flag Bexley 24 Jul 17 12.31pm Send a Private Message to Michaelawt85 Add Michaelawt85 as a friend

Listed all my dogging gear on eBay last night. No bids, but 19 people watching

 


When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC

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View rednblueblood's Profile rednblueblood 25 Jul 17 10.40am Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

I have a new hobby. Snail racing. Im not very good at it, mine keeps coming last so i took off its shell but that just made it more sluggish.

 


In dog beers I’ve only had one.

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ParchmoreEagle Flag Belair 25 Jul 17 5.06pm

Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.

 


[Link]

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View doi209's Profile doi209 Flag Fighting for the weak and innocent... 25 Jul 17 6.59pm Send a Private Message to doi209 Add doi209 as a friend

I went to the doctors the other day and he told me I was colour blind. That surprised me - it came completely out of the orange.

 

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View mezzer's Profile mezzer Flag Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 26 Jul 17 10.46am Send a Private Message to mezzer Add mezzer as a friend

I donated the bottom of my trousers to my local library this week.

The librarian said "that's a turn-up for the books"

 


Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

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View ex hibitionist's Profile ex hibitionist Flag Hastings 26 Jul 17 7.24pm Send a Private Message to ex hibitionist Add ex hibitionist as a friend

why is anal sex better than v*****l sex? cos it's tighter, drier and more degrading to women.

 

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View Mr. Talons's Profile Mr. Talons Flag Southampton 26 Jul 17 8.04pm Send a Private Message to Mr. Talons Add Mr. Talons as a friend

Originally posted by doi209

I went to the doctors the other day and he told me I was colour blind. That surprised me - it came completely out of the orange.

Wa-hey!

My psychiatrist says I should inject more surrealism into my act.. and I think he's probably wardrobe.

Have you been on that dark web ? I couldn't see a thing.

They've asked me to come up with a new sustainable building material - I've had a few ideas, but nothing concrete.

Edited by Mr. Talons (26 Jul 2017 8.13pm)

 

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View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 27 Jul 17 1.07pm Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

The Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda .

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 01 Aug 17 10.39pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

Why is marriage like a hurricane?

It starts off with a lot of blowing and sucking, and ends up with you losing your house.

 

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 02 Aug 17 12.43pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."

 

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View mr. apollo's Profile mr. apollo Flag Somewhere in Switzerland 24 Aug 17 12.27pm Send a Private Message to mr. apollo Add mr. apollo as a friend

I wouldn't say the wife is big but she does keep her diaphragm in a pizza box.

 



Glad

All

Over

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 25 Aug 17 8.23am Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Croydon and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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