I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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elgrande bedford 25 Aug 17 12.41pm
Originally posted by Cannonball As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Croydon and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" always a Norwood boy, where ever I live.
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elgrande

bedford 25 Aug 17 12.41pm

Originally posted by Cannonball

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Croydon and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

always a Norwood boy, where ever I live.

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BudgiesBeak London 07 Sep 17 12.20pm
Yesterday I went into the bank and asked to open a transvestite account. The manager asked for proof of a dress.
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BudgiesBeak

London 07 Sep 17 12.20pm

Yesterday I went into the bank and asked to open a transvestite account. The manager asked for proof of a dress.

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cb1969 Back in the 'hood 07 Sep 17 12.29pm
The cast of the Magnificent Seven were due to launch a new aftershave in the 1960's at Anfield, but had to cancel it after Yul Brynner failed to show up. It turned out that Yul never wore cologne.
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cb1969

Back in the 'hood 07 Sep 17 12.29pm

The cast of the Magnificent Seven were due to launch a new aftershave in the 1960's at Anfield, but had to cancel it after Yul Brynner failed to show up.

It turned out that Yul never wore cologne.

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Palace 1979 Surrey 11 Sep 17 10.59pm
Here's a few from my memory bank..hope they cheer you up on such a glum day... My mate got a new cleaner the other day, some European woman. Took her 6 hours to do the hoovering ! Turned out she was a Slovak. He also said his wife is mute so they communicate through embroidery........sew to speak I got some Jamie Oliver sausages the other day. The packaging said "Pr1ck with a fork" What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice fingers My wife had a right go at me yesterday because I kept singing the Monkees classic "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking........Then I saw her face! I told her I was going to build a new car out of spaghetti. She said I was a fckin idiot. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta. My pet name for my wife is Narnia coz she's a lying b1tch with a wardrobe. Goodnight...that's enough Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Palace 1979

Surrey 11 Sep 17 10.59pm

Here's a few from my memory bank..hope they cheer you up on such a glum day...

My mate got a new cleaner the other day, some European woman. Took her 6 hours to do the hoovering !
Turned out she was a Slovak.

He also said his wife is mute so they communicate through embroidery........sew to speak

I got some Jamie Oliver sausages the other day. The packaging said "Pr1ck with a fork"

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice fingers

My wife had a right go at me yesterday because I kept singing the Monkees classic "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking........Then I saw her face!

I told her I was going to build a new car out of spaghetti. She said I was a fckin idiot. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

My pet name for my wife is Narnia coz she's a lying b1tch with a wardrobe.

Goodnight...that's enough

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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BudgiesBeak London 14 Sep 17 5.19pm
There's a devastating flood and this God-fearing bloke starts praying. After a while, some men arrive in a dinghy to take him to higher ground. He says no thanks, my faith in God will save me, so off the men go. The religious guy is now up on his roof when another boat comes by. Same thing - "no thanks, God will save me from this disaster. It's a test of my faith". So off they go. Next day he's up to his neck when an army helicopter comes along and drops a rope ladder down to him. He still won't go, he says God will save him. After the flood waters start reside the Red Cross finds the poor b******'s body. He's up in heaven in front of God. "Lord, why did you forsake me in my hour of need? I dedicated my life to you and you let me die!!". God says "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want??"
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BudgiesBeak

London 14 Sep 17 5.19pm

There's a devastating flood and this God-fearing bloke starts praying. After a while, some men arrive in a dinghy to take him to higher ground.

He says no thanks, my faith in God will save me, so off the men go. The religious guy is now up on his roof when another boat comes by. Same thing - "no thanks, God will save me from this disaster. It's a test of my faith". So off they go.

Next day he's up to his neck when an army helicopter comes along and drops a rope ladder down to him. He still won't go, he says God will save him.

After the flood waters start reside the Red Cross finds the poor b******'s body. He's up in heaven in front of God. "Lord, why did you forsake me in my hour of need? I dedicated my life to you and you let me die!!". God says "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want??"

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HeathMan Purley 15 Sep 17 8.05am
THIS REALLY IS PRICELESS. If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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HeathMan

Purley 15 Sep 17 8.05am

THIS REALLY IS PRICELESS.
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back.."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 20 Sep 17 4.53pm
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 20 Sep 17 4.53pm

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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johnno42000 20 Sep 17 6.00pm
Originally posted by Cannonball Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years 'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'
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johnno42000

20 Sep 17 6.00pm

Originally posted by Cannonball

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years

'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

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chris123 hove actually 27 Sep 17 11.45am
Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1." O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3." O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage. "I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second". "I will never use this bar again". "OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
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chris123

hove actually 27 Sep 17 11.45am

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.

"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

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cryrst The garden of England 29 Sep 17 6.09pm
So Mary meets Vince and start dating Gets a bit heavy one night and they resist Have a little chat about doing it on their wedding night Both agree and Vince says " Mary I've got to tell you I've got a cock like a baby" "That's ok sweety we will cross that bridge when we get married." Well the time comes so on their wedding night Mary slips into bed naked Vince undresses in front of her for the first time Mary reels away as this monster cock hits the floor Screaming she says " I thought you said you had a cock like a baby" I have" he said "5lb 6 and 17 inches long"
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cryrst

The garden of England 29 Sep 17 6.09pm

So Mary meets Vince and start dating
Gets a bit heavy one night and they resist
Have a little chat about doing it on their wedding night
Both agree and Vince says
" Mary I've got to tell you I've got a cock like a baby"
"That's ok sweety we will cross that bridge when we get married."
Well the time comes so on their wedding night
Mary slips into bed naked
Vince undresses in front of her for the first time
Mary reels away as this monster cock hits the floor
Screaming she says
" I thought you said you had a cock like a baby"
I have" he said
"5lb 6 and 17 inches long"

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 26 Oct 17 4.09pm
I saw a black widow a few days ago so I rolled up a newspaper and gave it a mighty whack ! which is why Winnie Mandela has taken out a restraining order against me. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 26 Oct 17 4.09pm

I saw a black widow a few days ago so I rolled up a newspaper and gave it a mighty whack !

which is why Winnie Mandela has taken out a restraining order against me.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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BudgiesBeak London 02 Nov 17 3.03pm
The receptionist at the fertility clinic asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition just yet!"
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BudgiesBeak

London 02 Nov 17 3.03pm

The receptionist at the fertility clinic asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition just yet!"

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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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