"I've just bought myself a model of Mount Everest."
"Is it to scale?"
"No, just to look at."

A guy walks into a chemist's shop and asks for a bar of soap.
The cashier asks "Would you like that scented?"
"No thanks" he said, "I'll carry it home myself."

A spokesperson for Croydon Leisure Centre has just told us that due to the drought and to try and save water, the main swimming pool will be closing lanes 7 and 8 for the rest of the week

Q. What were the worst two winters of the 20th century?

A. Mike and Bernie

Something seasonal and cultural (perhaps current favoured topic)

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

I got a job making Holes for Water.
It was well boring

"It was a Team effort, I guess it took all players working together to lose this one"