chap goes into a baker's and says: "why do all those cakes cost 50p and that one there costs £1." And the bloke behind the counter says: "that's Madeira cake".

A mother-in-law looked at her son's new born baby son for the first time, then walked over to her daughter in law and said "I don't want to be rude, but he looks nothing like my son".
She lifted up her skirt and replied "I don't want to be rude either, but this is a fanny, not a f****** photocopier!"

My boss said to me “you’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen, how many have you de-railed now?”

I said “I don’t know, it’s hard to keep track”

Made in Bromley

Last night I tried to book a hotel room in Scotland. The receptionist asked "Would you like a tartan room?"
"No", I replied, "I'll just have the room, thanks."

As the Magna Carta is in the news, well any excuse to repeat this from Hancock's half hour

Hancock: Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain? That brave Hungarian peasant girl who forced King John to sign the pledge at Runnymede and close the boozers at half past ten? Is all this to be forgotten?

One more point

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks. "Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

Made in Bromley