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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Old Chap Flag Orpington 23 Dec 10 3.21pm Send a Private Message to Old Chap Add Old Chap as a friend

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here? "

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."


"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.

I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 


Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

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Cartoon Head Flag 24 Dec 10 4.00pm Send a Private Message to Cartoon Head Add Cartoon Head as a friend

I once bought a dog off a locksmith,,,,,,,,,,as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.


I was sorting my loft out the other day with the wife,,,,,,,,,,,dirty,smelly,horrible,full of cobwebs,,,,,,,,,but shes good with the kids.


Edited by Cartoon Head (24 Dec 2010 4.01pm)

 

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stevietea Flag northampton 25 Dec 10 8.54am Send a Private Message to stevietea Add stevietea as a friend

Dear children,
There is no Santa. Those presents you have got are from your parents.
Yours sincerely,
Wikileaks.

 


EaglesEagles Eagles Eagles

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DudleydoRighT Flag Climbing up sunshine mountain. 25 Dec 10 4.59pm

Quote stevietea at 25 Dec 2010 8.54am

Dear children,
There is no Santa. Those presents you have got are from your parents.
Yours sincerely,
Wikileaks.


He he he.

 


That's you, that is.

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DudleydoRighT Flag Climbing up sunshine mountain. 27 Dec 10 3.49pm

A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

 


That's you, that is.

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Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 28 Dec 10 3.16pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

All the engines on a plane fail.

The pilot comes out and asks, "does anyone here believe in the power of prayer?"

A vicar steps forward and says, "yes, I do."

"Great," says the pilot, "because we're a parachute short."

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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Eager eagle Flag Rainham Kent 01 Jan 11 9.37pm

I bought Bonny Tylers car last year on ebay,its fcuking awful,every now and then it falls apart.

 


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WarlinghamEagle Flag Selsdon 03 Jan 11 9.34pm Send a Private Message to WarlinghamEagle Add WarlinghamEagle as a friend

a massive football match was being played on planet mars and the defender concedes a penalty in the last minute, the ref rushes over to the player and says: "I'm afraid to say that you're going in the book for that tackle and any more, you will be off! What's your name?", so the alien replies: " sregndsbfdpsgjvmffgjjcdfghj", then the ref says: "right, on second thoughts, I'll let you off with a warning!".

a joke from harry hill's joke book. haha

 


glenn murray > lionel messi.

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Old Chap Flag Orpington 07 Jan 11 9.01am Send a Private Message to Old Chap Add Old Chap as a friend

The Glasgow Rangers' manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Rangers are 4-0 down to Celtic with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers. The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Glasgow in the first place!'

 


Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

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Icepick Tony Flag Chester 07 Jan 11 9.39am Send a Private Message to Icepick Tony Add Icepick Tony as a friend

I used to think my ex was Polish, but when she took a week to hoover the downstairs I realised she was a Slovak.

 


"They got his own song 'He's just too good for you', it's quite unbelievable but when you see it and he's facing up someone - I actually feel sorry for them, 'Cos he actually is" - Ian Holloway

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Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 07 Jan 11 2.19pm Send a Private Message to Horley Eagle Add Horley Eagle as a friend

Due to the water shortage in Ireland , Dublin
swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.


Thank you.

 


Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 08 Jan 11 2.18pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

Gerry Rafferty is to be buried next to Ronald McDonald & Heath Ledger....Clown to the left of him....Joker to the right

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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