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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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rednblue4eva Flag Norwood 31 Jan 11 12.09pm Send a Private Message to rednblue4eva Add rednblue4eva as a friend

A new drug has been developed for depressed lesbians, it's called Tricoxagin

 

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Old Chap Flag Orpington 31 Jan 11 3.42pm Send a Private Message to Old Chap Add Old Chap as a friend

New operation for women wanting a sez change - Strapadictome

 


Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

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palace-bo Flag Bracknell 01 Feb 11 12.00am Send a Private Message to palace-bo Add palace-bo as a friend

suarez and carroll are liverpool aware they have lou and andy up front

emile heskey was spotted in newcastle, but reports claim he was aiming at middlesborough

 


if at first u dont succeed destroy all evidence that u tried

danjangles (twitter) follow me COME ON YOU EAGLES

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Old Chap Flag Orpington 02 Feb 11 9.13am Send a Private Message to Old Chap Add Old Chap as a friend

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He crawls on his belly to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 


Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

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frazzle Flag 02 Feb 11 9.22am Send a Private Message to frazzle Add frazzle as a friend

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

 

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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 06 Feb 11 1.12pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

Had some people at my door today asking me to be a jehova's witness..I told 'em ,I didnt even know he was on trial..

 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Icepick Tony Flag Chester 06 Feb 11 1.53pm Send a Private Message to Icepick Tony Add Icepick Tony as a friend

The Magic p****

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except..."The Magic p****!'

The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic p****,' and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic p****, the door!'
The p**** rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic p****, return to your box!' and the p**** stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the Wife remembered the Magic p****. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic p****, my crotch.'
The p**** shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic p**** thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,,now I've heard them all Maam, Magic p****,,,,,,,,, my arse...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

 


"They got his own song 'He's just too good for you', it's quite unbelievable but when you see it and he's facing up someone - I actually feel sorry for them, 'Cos he actually is" - Ian Holloway

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Icepick Tony Flag Chester 07 Feb 11 2.25pm Send a Private Message to Icepick Tony Add Icepick Tony as a friend

The 2 PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'............

I found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian'

 


"They got his own song 'He's just too good for you', it's quite unbelievable but when you see it and he's facing up someone - I actually feel sorry for them, 'Cos he actually is" - Ian Holloway

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Forest Hillbilly Flag in a hidey-hole 09 Feb 11 12.06pm Send a Private Message to Forest Hillbilly Add Forest Hillbilly as a friend

I met a young lady yesterday, who wanted an example of a double entendre.

So I gave her one.

 


I disengage, I turn the page.

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redders2000 Flag Basildon upper holmesdale Block L ... 14 Feb 11 3.23pm Send a Private Message to redders2000 Add redders2000 as a friend

A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?
"The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

 


5-0 We beat the scum 5-0

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Hoof Hearted 15 Feb 11 11.23am

I caught my nan sucking my grandad's cock the other day.

I said to her... "That's disgusting!.... couldn't it have been cremated with the rest of him nan?"

 

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rednblue4eva Flag Norwood 15 Feb 11 12.38pm Send a Private Message to rednblue4eva Add rednblue4eva as a friend

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,'mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'


 

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