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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Hoof Hearted 18 Feb 11 11.05am

Bristol Rovers remind me of my old pants.

P1ss up front, sh1t at the back and the elastic is going so they struggle to stay up.

 

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NEILLO Flag Shoreham-by-Sea 18 Feb 11 11.27am Send a Private Message to NEILLO Add NEILLO as a friend

I was in the pub with the missus last night, and I said, '' I Love You ''.
She said, '' Is that you or the beer talking ? ''
I replied, '' It's me, talking to the beer. ''

 


Old, Ungifted and White

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Old Chap Flag Orpington 21 Feb 11 9.34am Send a Private Message to Old Chap Add Old Chap as a friend

There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down."

"Now what do you want to talk about"?

He said, "f***ed if I know, I've never got this far before"


 


Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

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Dulwichsteve Flag (Another Girl) Another Planet 21 Feb 11 1.35pm Send a Private Message to Dulwichsteve Add Dulwichsteve as a friend

As I left Asda this morning an old lady in front of me collapsed and died. Shame really as she'd just bought a bag for life.

 


I'm a sleeping dog, but you can't tell
When I'm on the prowl you'd better run like hell

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rednblue4eva Flag Norwood 22 Feb 11 4.33pm Send a Private Message to rednblue4eva Add rednblue4eva as a friend

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...

 

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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 26 Feb 11 11.40pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

Went into Kitchen this morning. Wife was face down & not breathing. I panicked & didn't know what 2 do!! Then I remembered McDonalds do breakfast till 10.30.


 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 02 Mar 11 7.02pm Send a Private Message to Deleagle Add Deleagle as a friend

Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indians head ban stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the

significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one

feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three

feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many

feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women.

Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast.


 


What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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gazzagoalie Flag 03 Mar 11 1.04am Send a Private Message to gazzagoalie Add gazzagoalie as a friend

knock knock
whos there
interupting sheep
interup...
baaaa

 

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johnno42000 Flag 04 Mar 11 8.16am Send a Private Message to johnno42000 Add johnno42000 as a friend

Secretary goes into her bosses office and asks "can I use your dictaphone?".

"No,use yuur fingers like everybody else" he replies.

 


'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

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Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 09 Mar 11 4.40pm Send a Private Message to Horley Eagle Add Horley Eagle as a friend

I can't believe that I got thrown out of the cinema last night for bringing in my own food. I was gutted, it's ages since I had a barbecue.

 


Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

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cpfcdboi Flag Thornton heath 09 Mar 11 5.07pm Send a Private Message to cpfcdboi Add cpfcdboi as a friend

I got a letter back from screwfix this morning ! Apparently they are not a dating agency

 


London born
palace bred
@cpfcdboi

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Bin Liner Flag London , Southfields 11 Mar 11 9.13am Send a Private Message to Bin Liner Add Bin Liner as a friend

Glass coffins think they will catch on? remains to be seen.

 


Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

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