If you suffer with insomnia, look on the bright side.

Only one sleep till Christmas.

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

Thank you. One from me.

A new wife returns from Honeymoon and telephones her Mum in tears. "Mummy, he has started using horrible four letter words." Mum replies I know one he is able to use now that you are married. Daughter replies "That word is enjoyable, but these words he has never used before are horrible." Mum asks he to tell her the words, but daughter says they are so bade that she cannot bear to say them. Mum goes onto Plan B, after two weeks and daughter posts a sealed envelope though her parents' door. Mum opens the envelope and sees the words that her daughter has written on a sheet of paper. They are cook, wash, iron and dust.
.

I bought an antiperspirant the other day, it said remove cap and push up bottom, I can hardly walk but my farts smell nice.