Two TV aerials meet, fall in love, and get married.

The ceremony was awful but the reception was amazing...

Bit unfair of the Chinese to make one man do all those sports at the olympics

I'm a sleeping dog, but you can't tell
When I'm on the prowl you'd better run like hell

Yes!!

.

What website do Scousers look at first when contemplating getting their kids a trampoline?

Google Maps.

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the Pro's. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian..."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

I pulled a redhead last night.

I should really see a doctor about this thrush before my next w*nk.

Edited by Johnny Eagles (17 Aug 2012 11.59am)

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...