Profanisaurus doesn't really belong on this thread, but these made me chuckle:

“Piggy in the Lidl”
An ‘aldilicious’ female who one might observe perusing the processed foodstuffs in the aisles of popular budget supermarkets.

“Gigg’s Boson”
A vanishingly small dense point of intelligence which may be present in the head of a professional footballer although its existence is, as yet, unproven.

“Footballer’s Business Card”
A tasteful portrait of a Premiership star’s c**k and b**ls sent via a camera phone or webcam.

“Have a Meerkat”
To perform an act of personal pollution at a time when one might be discovered. Named because the beady-eyed malefactor maintains heightened alertness throughout in the style of the popular insurance weasels.

Rat Van
The ‘kebabulance’ parked outside Reading University where undergraduate gastronomes are wont to go to ‘grab a rat’ when sufficiently intoxicated.

And to finish on a simile, “as empty as Tim Henman’s trophy cabinet”.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn"t a Premiership footballer? A virgin

I just don"t get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being s*** at football do they?!

I"ll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!

Manchester Police are looking for a racist attacker.I called them....... Apparently it"s not a job advert.

A nun is in the bath when there"s a knock on the bathroom door."Who is it?" shouted the nun."The blind man" came the reply.The nun tells him to enter, as he wouldn"t be able to see her in all her glory, because he"s blind.He walks in and quips "Nice pair of tits, where do you want the blinds?"

I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a "bag for life" - I said "No thanks, I"m already married."

Why do men fart more than women?Because women won"t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.

I had an interview for a vacant job at MI6 today.
I reckon it's in the bag..

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.

Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

Did you know all male tennis players are into voodoo?

Goran. Ivanesivic.

Big chest and massive boobs

[Link]

Vidal Sassoon's funeral is going to be televised but don't worry, it will only be the highlights.

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.

Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

True story....
Played golf with the owner of a local chinese restaurant
recently on a cloudy day.
At the third tee he looked up at the sky and said "My goldfish say it gonna rain today".
I looked back at him and said "How does your goldfish know its going to rain"
"No no" he replied "My goldfish say it definitely gonna rain today"
"I dont understand how your goldfish knows its going to rain" I replied."What does he do float on his back,swim to the bottom?? What"
"NO MY GOLDFISH THE WEATHERMAN SAY IT GONNA RAIN"
(MICHAEL FISH).
ME SO SIRRY. SOLLY.

"Numb,gutted and shocked . Three words that sum up how I feel."
"Passionate,principled, genius. Three words that sum up Joe Strummer"
Martin Scorcese, Film director.