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Catfish Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.35pm | |
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A touching love story from Jamaica: Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila was maintaining a vigil at his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale, cracked lips began to move slightly.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial |
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Catfish Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.48pm | |
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth? Don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud fart sounds in shower. Wash bollocks and surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back
Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial |
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Mikeybaby 19 Nov 12 10.51am | |
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I called Babestation last night; The woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you, you gorgeous stud?" "Fcuking hide", I said "The missus is coming and I've lost the remote."
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Bin Liner London , Southfields 21 Nov 12 2.11pm | |
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I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents last week, after saying hello my dad pulled me to one side and whispered " you could have done better then that son,she's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! she must weigh 20 odd stone,covered in spots,lips like a cod,she's got a beard,she's crossed eyed, going bald,size 15 feet and she f/ucking stinks!
Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly |
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moylerg Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 8.58pm | |
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What cheese can you hide a horse with? What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with? My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel. Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 8.59pm)
Most certainly not European. |
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Therealeaglestilidie 22 Nov 12 9.03pm | |
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What cheese can you hide a horse with? What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with? Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !!
I'm so Palace I don't even know it |
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moylerg Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 9.04pm | |
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Quote Therealeaglestilidie at 22 Nov 2012 9.03pm
What cheese can you hide a horse with? What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with? Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !! Still excellent crap jokes! Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 9.05pm)
Most certainly not European. |
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Horley Eagle Somewhere only I know 30 Nov 12 11.04am | |
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Took my wife to a nightclub last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor moonwalking, body popping and break dancing. My wife turned to me and said "See that bloke there? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Edited by Horley Eagle (30 Nov 2012 11.05am)
Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know. |
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becky over the moon 09 Dec 12 11.52am | |
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DOG FOR SALE A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog for Sale.’ He rings the bell; the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ... After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b******. He's never been out of the garden."
A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers |
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Joseph Paxton Lancing 21 Dec 12 3.15pm | |
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After no dates for 5 years Lynn goes to see Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr Chang. He says "Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room." She does. "Ok craw reery reery fast back" As she did Dr Chang shook his head, "Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worst case Ed Zachary disease I ever see, dat why you get no man." She says: "God! what's Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang says "Its when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse"
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. |
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Crystal_Brother Overlooking a kingdom of Pagans 21 Dec 12 3.43pm | |
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3 old ladies sitting on a wall, enjoying a chit chat.
"Floating endlessly in indefinite skies of grey, |
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Catfish Burgess Hill 23 Dec 12 12.22pm | |
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There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible" Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial |
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