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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Don Rogers Tache hanging around the local Taco Bell... 21 Jan 10 12.57pm
An alien lands at a BP garage. Alien: Can I fill up mate? Attendant: Erm, you can but are you sure you've got money? Alien: Not a problem, I'm minted. So the alien gets the nozzle, opens the fuel cap of his flying saucer and begins to fill up. After 40 minutes the lever pings up, he waggles it in the hole and puts the nozzle back on the pump and walks into the shop. The attendant sheepishly asks.. Attendant: That'll be, er, £276,860 Alien: Sure, can you change a Blip Blop? I know you are but what am I?
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Don Rogers Tache

hanging around the local Taco Bell... 21 Jan 10 12.57pm

An alien lands at a BP garage.

Alien: Can I fill up mate?
Attendant: Erm, you can but are you sure you've got money?
Alien: Not a problem, I'm minted.

So the alien gets the nozzle, opens the fuel cap of his flying saucer and begins to fill up. After 40 minutes the lever pings up, he waggles it in the hole and puts the nozzle back on the pump and walks into the shop. The attendant sheepishly asks..

Attendant: That'll be, er, £276,860
Alien: Sure, can you change a Blip Blop?

I know you are but what am I?

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Old Chap Orpington 21 Jan 10 2.43pm
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.' Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
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Old Chap

Orpington 21 Jan 10 2.43pm

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 26 Jan 10 2.29am
Q. If Vera Lynn entertained in a japanese restraunt what song would she sing ?? A. "Whale meat again" Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 26 Jan 10 2.29am

Q. If Vera Lynn entertained in a japanese restraunt
what song would she sing ??

A. "Whale meat again"

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Deleagle "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 30 Jan 10 8.38pm
Wayne Bridge sent his wife a Cadbury chocolate copy of his kn0b but his missus said that she preferred Terry's. What can this strange device be? When I touch it it gives forth a sound. Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2 - =
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Deleagle

"Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 30 Jan 10 8.38pm

Wayne Bridge sent his wife a Cadbury chocolate copy of his kn0b but his missus said that she preferred Terry's.

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.

Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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Don Rogers Tache hanging around the local Taco Bell... 03 Feb 10 9.42pm
Neil Warnock, Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson and Rafa Benitez are in a pub. Warnock gets up and gets a round in, Wenger gets up and gets the next round, then Ferguson and then Benitez. Warnock then goes up and buys himself a pint and sits down. Wenger, Ferguson and Benitez ask what the hell is going on? To which Warnock replies: "This is the fifth round lads and none of you are in it!" I know you are but what am I?
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Don Rogers Tache

hanging around the local Taco Bell... 03 Feb 10 9.42pm

Neil Warnock, Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson and Rafa Benitez are in a pub. Warnock gets up and gets a round in, Wenger gets up and gets the next round, then Ferguson and then Benitez.
Warnock then goes up and buys himself a pint and sits down.
Wenger, Ferguson and Benitez ask what the hell is going on? To which Warnock replies:

"This is the fifth round lads and none of you are in it!"

I know you are but what am I?

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Don Rogers Tache hanging around the local Taco Bell... 03 Feb 10 9.45pm
Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson and Rafa Benitez are in Warnock's fish and chip shop. Warnock had just returned from the store room after doing a stocktake and said I have 12 Cod, 12 Skate and 12 plaice. Wenger ordered the 12 cod for his team, Ferguson ordered the 12 Skate for his and Beneitez ordered the 12 plaice for his. Warnock went to collect the fish and there was a loud crash. Alarmed the three called out "what happended". It ok said Warnock, but you will have to order again Benitez as I have just dropped a dozen plaices I know you are but what am I?
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Don Rogers Tache

hanging around the local Taco Bell... 03 Feb 10 9.45pm

Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson and Rafa Benitez are in Warnock's fish and chip shop. Warnock had just returned from the store room after doing a stocktake and said I have 12 Cod, 12 Skate and 12 plaice.

Wenger ordered the 12 cod for his team, Ferguson ordered the 12 Skate for his and Beneitez ordered the 12 plaice for his. Warnock went to collect the fish and there was a loud crash. Alarmed the three called out "what happended".

It ok said Warnock, but you will have to order again Benitez as I have just dropped a dozen plaices

I know you are but what am I?

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 03 Feb 10 11.18pm
Quote Don Rogers Tache at 03 Feb 2010 9:42pm Neil Warnock, Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson and Rafa Benitez are in a pub. Warnock gets up and gets a round in, Wenger gets up and gets the next round, then Ferguson and then Benitez. Warnock then goes up and buys himself a pint and sits down. Wenger, Ferguson and Benitez ask what the hell is going on? To which Warnock replies: "This is the fifth round lads and none of you are in it!" Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 03 Feb 10 11.18pm

Quote Don Rogers Tache at 03 Feb 2010 9:42pm

"This is the fifth round lads and none of you are in it!"

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 04 Feb 10 6.56pm
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 04 Feb 10 6.56pm

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 04 Feb 10 7.05pm
This post has been merged from a topic called 'selections of censured jokes' by Guntrisoft My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wnk. ****************************** There’s a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called "The Plumber". Both of you stay in all day, and no fcker cums . ************************************************ New from Andrex, Islamic toilet paper! Not only is there a print of the prophet Mohammed on every sheet, whenever you wipe your arse, you get to colour him in!! ........................................... There's a new craze in Croydon pubs. Girls are putting vodka jelly up their sntches and having blokes suck it out with straws. Police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of Minge drinking. ***************************************** SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:! ! ! It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax. A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cnut going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about." ***************************** Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 04 Feb 10 7.05pm

This post has been merged from a topic called 'selections of censured jokes' by Guntrisoft

My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a w*nk.
*******************************
There’s a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called
"The Plumber".
Both of you stay in all day, and no f*cker cums .
*************************************************
New from Andrex, Islamic toilet paper! Not only is there a print of the prophet Mohammed on every sheet, whenever you wipe your arse, you get to colour him in!!
...........................................
There's a new craze in Croydon pubs. Girls are putting vodka jelly up their sn*tches and having blokes suck it out with straws. Police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of Minge drinking.
********************************************
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:! ! ! It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.
A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cnut going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."
*******************************

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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gallery55 Slade Green Kent 04 Feb 10 7.05pm
Ashley Cole has just been caught doing 125mph in a 30mph zone. When asked by police why he was speeding, he replied... "Someone's just told me John Terry's parked outside my house!"
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gallery55

Slade Green Kent 04 Feb 10 7.05pm

Ashley Cole has just been caught doing 125mph in a 30mph zone. When asked by police why he was speeding, he replied... "Someone's just told me John Terry's parked outside my house!"

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 05 Feb 10 1.35am
When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a cvut' on my garage door! Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 05 Feb 10 1.35am

When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a cvut' on my garage door!

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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teejay61 The Cup of Sid 07 Feb 10 9.38am
Just found out that my best mate Sid has been the victim of ID theft. I now just call him "S" Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971
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teejay61

The Cup of Sid 07 Feb 10 9.38am

Just found out that my best mate Sid has been the victim of ID theft.

I now just call him "S"

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971

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