What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Grggluhhgluh! Grgglugfrgghgluh!

Edited by Mongo Like Clunge (01 Oct 2014 12.34am)

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Fear not; drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so
he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between
'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your
mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she
said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a
million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same
question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
“Well there you have it, son," said his dad. “Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a queer."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

I am devastated by the death of my pet mouse Elvis last night. He was caught in a trap.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Have you heard the one about Dougie Freedman coming back to Palace?

I also enjoy posting on: Love Everton Forum, the Acceptable Face of Scouse Football.
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twitter.com/LuvEvertonForum
Come and give it a look, new members would be lovely.
Come and JOIN.
Or they'll nick your telly.

My Son asked me for a pet Spider for his Birthday...
So I went to the local pet shop....they wanted £70 for one....
Sod that, I can get one cheaper off the web...

Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.