English

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
But not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
Why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane!

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Where did this strange language come from and why do we speak it?

'Cause we don't know another, I guess...

Two cheese sandwiches walk into a bar : "Two pints of lager please" says one. "Sorry mate" says the barman. "We don't serve food".

Grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory

Bloke walks into a pub with a 6foot by 4 foot bit of tarmac with a white line on it and says "2 Stellas please"

Landlord says "I'm not serving you - you're barred"

Bloke says "Just one for the road then".

Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to

buy the New

Football he has been desperate for. He gets the ball down from the rack and

gives the

shop-keeper his £10.

"Sorry Son !!" Explains the shopkeeper. "This ball cost £20,

but you've only got £10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the club balls and says "OK. If you

blindfold me and I

guess the club on the ball will you let me have the ball for £10"? The

shopkeeper curiously

agrees, and blindfolds the boy.

First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball.

"OK" says the boy placing his ear to the ball. "I can hear the blasting

sound of 2 canons. This

must be an Arsenal ball"

"That was a lucky guess" exclaimed the shopkeeper.

"Lets try another one" And he hands him a Millwall ball.

"OK" Says the boy placing his ear to the ball again. "I can

hear a pack of rampant Lions. It

must be a Millwall ball".

"Christ" Says the shopkeeper.

"If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for

nothing" and he passes him

another ball.

Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he exclaims

"That's a Tottenham

ball".

"Holly Mary Mother Of God" Shouts the shopkeeper."How on earth did you get

that one. I suppose

you heard a Cockerel crowing??"

"No" Said the boy. "It's going down"!!!

Just a random thought...Why did Kamakazi pilots wear helmets ???

Politicaly incorrect..and I don't give a s**t
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Proud to be an Infidel....Can't wait for the next crusade !!!

Did you hear about the guy that though Man united was a subdivision of the gay pride movement ?

Politicaly incorrect..and I don't give a s**t
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Proud to be an Infidel....Can't wait for the next crusade !!!

2 Gays Rupert & Cecil are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing vaseline into his chest, Cecil said what are you doing? Rupert said i read in a gay magazine that vaseline stimulates hair growth and i want a hairy chest. Cecil said don`t be so fcuking stupid if that was true i`d have a ponytail sticking out my a**e

Why does Nigel Benn not own a playstation?

Because he's an ex-boxer

As Danny Butterfield wheeled away, arms aloft in celebration of his third goal – an expression of delight and astonishment on his face – a man seated beside me in the stands turned to his young son and told him that he would remember this moment for the rest of his life. I will too.

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.''Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close
the door.Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning.

Politicaly incorrect..and I don't give a s**t
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Proud to be an Infidel....Can't wait for the next crusade !!!