You have to be a middle-class Jewish New Yorker who frequents their 'shrink' in order to fully appreciate the overated director of many a truly shocking film. Nothing even gets blown up FFS.

I love Woody Allen, but then I also studied a lot of Freudian Psychology...

I have to confez that I like him.....

A list of his finest repertoire which inspired Tim Vine...

Two Aerials met on a roof - fell in love - got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG !!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be
one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother
Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and
my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then
he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat b******!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we
both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.
So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two men were caught stealing a Calendar.
They got 6 months each.

A man went to the Psychiatrists and said he thought he was a dog.
The doctor asked him to jump on the couch.
He said.."sorry, but I'm not allowed on the furniture".

A man went to the doctors and said he thought he was a biscuit.
The doctor asked him what kind of biscuit.
The man said it was a thin flaky biscuit suitable for cheese.
The doctor said....YOU MUST BE CRACKERS !!

A man went to the doctors and said he thought he was a pack of cards.
The doctor told to wait in reception and would deal with him later.

A man went to the Butchers.
He said to the Butcher, "have you got a sheeps head ?".
The Butcher said...."no, its the way I part my hair"

A man went to the Butchers and asked for some bacon.
"Lean Back ? " said the Butcher.
The man arched his back and said again..."have you got any bacon ?"

A man in a restaurant asked the waiter to call him a taxi.
"Okay, Sir....you are a taxi".

A man went into a Restaurant.
The Maitre D said "can I take your coat sir?"
"No....get your own", came the reply.

A man went into a restaurant.
"waiter, have you got frog's legs ?", he asked
"Certainly Sir"
"Well hop over here, and get this fly out of my soup"

A man went to a guest house and knocked on the door.
The landlady looked out of the bedroom window and asked what he wanted.
"I want to stay here", he said
"Okay....stay there then", she said.

I was up in my loft the other day.
I found a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius.
Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter and
Rembrandt was no good at making violins!

Why is it that if you go into a library and shout "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
everybody looks at you?
If you do the same thing on a boat or plane, everybody joins in!

I was in the bookies the other day.
This bloke said "do you want the winner of the 3.30?"
I said "No thanks, I've got nowhere to keep it!"

I want to die like my Grandad......peacefully in his sleep.
Not like the passengers on his bus, screaming and yelling!

I'd like to know where I am going to die...........................
If I knew I would never ever go there!

Did you hear about the couple that made love in the Plumber position?
They stayed in all morning, but nobody came.

I love Woody Allen, but then I also studied a lot of Freudian Psychology...