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Anyone else got a Fcukwit mate?

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bubble wrap Flag Carparks in South East London 06 Oct 16 8.40pm

I was in the pub with a pal who is not the sharpest tool in the shed. I told him i was off to Dubai the next day and had been involved in a betting scam with a guy and we were making a few quid from it. I told him, Dubai are 3hrs ahead of the UK so when i am there i get the football results ahead of people in the UK. So i text over four results and we put £100 on it with the bookies and clean up. I told him its why they don't allow gambling in Dubai. The next day he texed me four times asking if i was going to send him the results over.

 

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ex hibitionist Flag Hastings 06 Oct 16 9.23pm Send a Private Message to ex hibitionist Add ex hibitionist as a friend

I was taking it too literally, I thought you were referring to our other halves, hang on ...

 

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kingdowieonthewall Flag Sussex, ex-Cronx. 06 Oct 16 9.34pm Send a Private Message to kingdowieonthewall Add kingdowieonthewall as a friend

Very difficult to top this one.

Not a mate, but when I was a busier contractor, I had young lads on work experience
(stopped it soon, it drove me mad)
Anyway, I had the lad with me in the van , driving over Purley way,near the old airport site.
There is a WW2 memorial there on the common land just by Croydon airport.
He asks 'whats that?'
I said' WW2 memorial'
f***wit lad sez' is that where it happened?'
If only I had a gun..

 


Kids,tired of being bothered by your pesky parents?
Then leave home, get a job & pay your own bills, while you still know everything.

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Harpo Flag Oxfordshire 06 Oct 16 11.27pm Send a Private Message to Harpo Add Harpo as a friend

I used to run the FedEx depot locally, and one day, I had a radio call from a driver advising that the traffic was at a standstill. This was mid-morning.

The driver updated me regularly, still stuck in traffic.

So I sent out another driver to cover the collections and then get over to the first driver to assist.

The second driver found the first in the late afternoon without too much difficulty, only to find that driver one had pulled up behind a queue of artics parked up on an industrial estate.

Driver one was a woman. Make of that what you will.

 

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Harpo Flag Oxfordshire 06 Oct 16 11.34pm Send a Private Message to Harpo Add Harpo as a friend

And on another occasion, I received a call at 1600 from an Oxford don who needed to get some documents to Japan 'by tomorrow'.

It's already tomorrow in Japan I advised.

The don couldn't grasp the concept of time zones, and in desperation asked me to route his document on aircraft that flew to Japan around the world 'the other way'.

Beat that.

Edited by Harpo (06 Oct 2016 11.35pm)

 

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Kermit8 Flag Hevon 07 Oct 16 11.40am Send a Private Message to Kermit8 Add Kermit8 as a friend

Originally posted by Harpo

And on another occasion, I received a call at 1600 from an Oxford don who needed to get some documents to Japan 'by tomorrow'.

It's already tomorrow in Japan I advised.

The don couldn't grasp the concept of time zones, and in desperation asked me to route his document on aircraft that flew to Japan around the world 'the other way'.

Beat that.

Edited by Harpo (06 Oct 2016 11.35pm)

Don't think i can

A long time ago and told it before but here goes anyway...


"When is the Status Quo concert " some woman asks

"Next Tuesday" I reply

"Is that a Thursday?" she says

"No....it's...a... Tuesday"

 


Big chest and massive boobs

[Link]


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Michaelawt85 Flag Bexley 07 Oct 16 1.27pm Send a Private Message to Michaelawt85 Add Michaelawt85 as a friend

Yes. One friend asked me not so long ago how she could go about getting a match day hospitality ticket at arsenal football club for her husband's birthday. After chatting and advising her that it would he extremely expensive. It turns out she genuinely thought she could get one for about £20... not sure which planet she lives on to be honest

 


When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC

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Midlands Eagle Flag 07 Oct 16 2.00pm Send a Private Message to Midlands Eagle Add Midlands Eagle as a friend

Originally posted by Michaelawt85

One friend asked me not so long ago how she could go about getting a match day hospitality ticket at arsenal football club for her husband's birthday. After chatting and advising her that it would he extremely expensive. It turns out she genuinely thought she could get one for about £20... not sure which planet she lives on to be honest

That's probably because her husband has been telling her that his Arsenal season ticket only cost £35

 

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Part Time James Flag 07 Oct 16 2.13pm Send a Private Message to Part Time James Add Part Time James as a friend

I think I might actually be the f*ckwit.

One Monday morning I woke up to find a lump on my right nipple. It was hard and not dissimilar to the description I had found for lumps relating to cancer. Knowing that it was actually possible for men to get breast cancer I instantly became worried, despite usually being the sort of person to shrug off most ailments. I phoned the doctor and made an emergency appointment and then called work to say that I'd be late in. (In hindsight the following story should actually make me feel very guilty for wasting the time of the NHS). I went in and talked to a kind doctor who re-assured me and said that it didn't feel like the big C and was more likely caused by a trauma to the nipple. As I walked back home to get ready for work I remembered that on the previous Friday at work, to impress one of the girls in the office, I had attached a (not powered) jump lead to my nipple and we all timed how long I could keep it on there before the pain became so bad I could no longer tolerate it.

 




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Willo Flag South coast - west of Brighton. 07 Oct 16 2.37pm Send a Private Message to Willo Add Willo as a friend

Used to know someone who used to collect 'Pig' memorabilia. Even had a silver pig hanging from his neck chain.Evidently he had a room in his house dedicated to pigs and he sometimes used to grunt like a pig !

 

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Part Time James Flag 07 Oct 16 2.50pm Send a Private Message to Part Time James Add Part Time James as a friend

Originally posted by Willo

Used to know someone who used to collect 'Pig' memorabilia. Even had a silver pig hanging from his neck chain.Evidently he had a room in his house dedicated to pigs and he sometimes used to grunt like a pig !

That's not a fcukwit, that's a fetish.

 




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matt_himself Flag Matataland 07 Oct 16 3.02pm Send a Private Message to matt_himself Add matt_himself as a friend

Smokey - "no means yes".

 


"That was fun and to round off the day, I am off to steal a charity collection box and then desecrate a place of worship.” - Smokey, The Selhurst Arms, 26/02/02

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