Smokey has banned from the Internet following the Saville investigation. It is alleged that during the early seventies, Smokey attempted to violently bum Jimmy Saville on at least five occasions, including once live on TOTP when Lieutenant Pigeon played 'Mouldy Old Dough' in the 1972 Christmas Special.

He is not allowed to communicate on the Internet because of threatening emails he sent to Lieutenant Pigeon, The Faces, The band of the Royal Dragoon guards, Tony Blackburn and, bizarrely, Marc Bolan, who has been dead since 1977, and other participants of the Christmas Special, telling them that they would be 'next for a bully ramming if they narked on him'.

We have put him back in his cage and he now has an intravenous drip of bromide connected directly to his heart.

"That was fun and to round off the day, I am off to steal a charity collection box and then desecrate a place of worship.” - Smokey, The Selhurst Arms, 26/02/02

419. Casual sexism

"You can feel the stadium jumping. The stadium is actually physically moving up and down"
FA Cup MOTD 24/4/16

420. Dishing out a satisfying weekend red card.

Goodness is what you do. Not who you pray to.

Zed doing the nasty in Pulp fiction

"It's not the bullet that's got my name on it that concerns me; it's all them other ones flyin' around marked 'To Whom It May Concern.'"

"Precisely"

I used to be immortal

423. Surgical antiquities.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Fear not; drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.