One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask me for assistance."

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in!

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt'…"

"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word, "You wouldn't have an eraser, would you?…"

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Nicola Sturgeon was touring the countryside in a chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, ...'you were driving, you get out and check'.

The chauffeur gets out, checks and tells her that the animal was dead.

'You were driving, you had better go and tell the farmer' says Nicola.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies, 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made passionate love to me'.

'What on earth did you say?' Asks Nicola.

'Not much really......I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said......'I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur, and I've just killed the cow'.

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me, don't I know you?' he asks.
'Yes, I think you are the father of one of my children', she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity, and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No', she replies, 'I'm your son's English teacher'.

HOLY MEN & 3 BEARS

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of NorthernMichiganUniversity at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Invited to SP after Xmas 1969 by new stepfather and his best mate. Freezing cold and lost 5-1. Been a fan ever since!!!!

I once bought my wife a large bunch of flowers, she turned to me and said "I suppose I'm going to have to open my legs for these"?

I said why don't you have a vase big enough?

I was stuck driving behind some guy whose number plate read G4ND 4LF.

Needless to say, he didn’t let me pass.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.