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I don’t have too much information on this player, but I do recall having a slightly erotic conversation with Melania Trump last week whilst a friend of mine repaired her husband’s toupee.

When I informed Mrs Trump that I was into football, she clearly saw an opportunity to try and seduce me with her knowledge of the beautiful game. She mentioned that she had noticed a promising young player (Bell himself) whilst visiting Nuneaton Town in July 2013. He made his debut in the opening match of the season playing left-wing back in a 1-0 win at Macclesfield Town. She recalled reading in a local paper the next day that he “shone” - although the toupee repairer interjected here and said that the player was quoted as saying that “at the end I took a poor touch and good have scored from it”.

By this point Melania was all over me and purred into my ear that ahead of the 2014-15 season, Bell was loaned to Football League Two club Mansfield Town but was recalled after only three matches after failing to get any game time.

I was beginning to find it difficult to resist her smooth talking and, not wanting to make an enemy of the President-Elect, I made a swift exit. Now I only wish I had stayed for longer, to be able to give you all a more concise report, but alas, this is all I have.

I’m saying no on this one unless he costs peanuts.

Edited by Tez (20 Jan 2017 4.49pm)

Very Familiar name.

Poetry, pure poetry!

careful tez. willo will do you for plagiarism soon haha

Just signed him for my Hartlepool team on football manager and I can confirm he's a very good player, gets booked quite a bit and his agent is a pain in the arse.sign him up.