June 7 2007

Crystal Palace

One of Jamesey's government moles has passed on some alarming news that could have a devastating effect on Crystal Palace Football Club.

It all started 25 years ago with directives from Brussels forbidding the sale of curved cucumbers and pork chops with a tasty titbit of kidney attached.

In the very recent past, our own UK political masters have "persuaded" the makers of replica football shirts to remove any logos with alcohol connections from children's lines, and even more recently we hear that wine bottles will be carrying unit recommendations on their labels.

But now the PC gauleiters have turned their attentions to football and, if their proposals are accepted, the face of English football will be radically changed.

The document which my own informant kindly passed on to me even makes specific references to our club, Crystal Palace.

Below I quote from some of the recommended proposals.

"The nomenclature of Crystal Palace Football Club, SE25, is elitist and insulting to a multicultural, modern British urban community. The terms "Crystal" and "Palace" are both remnants of an era where privilege and wealth prevailed over equality and justice. The club will be renamed Plastic Affordable Dwelling to reflect the reality of modern London.

"The signature tune of PADFC is currently "I'm Feeling Glad All Over". This piece of music dating back to the 1960s is insulting to females and a more appropriate song should be adopted. It is suggested that something along the lines of "Come into the Garden Maude", "You are My Heart's Delight" or "Bicycle Made for Two" would be more acceptable.

"Many of the food items on sale in Selhurst Park, along with most other grounds, have names which are insulting to an animal-loving, pet-owning democracy. Hot Dogs and KitKats will be referred to as Meat Extract Rolls and Chocolate Covered Biscuit Snacks.

"The current practice of triumphalist chants being encouraged after a PADFC goal must be stopped. This is insulting to visiting supporters and, in fact, the whole question of whether a team should actually win and cause psychological damage to the loser is open to question. Perhaps a more equitable method of playing games is where the opposing teams can simply enjoy the match and maybe draw lots to see who wins.

"The nomenclature "Eagles" (along with many other clubs calling themselves "Lions", Wolves", "Robins", "Foxes", etc) is totally inappropriate in a modern culture where wildlife is cherished and respected and not used as a gloating clarion call. Eagles are also an endangered species so perhaps a more fitting bird should be adopted as PADFC's emblem - a crow or a starling for example."

Well, that's enough for now, dear readers, and if that doesn't frighten you, there's plenty more in the files.

Come on you Starlings...

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