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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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cpfcarcher Crouch End 05 Dec 13 4.33pm
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. Quote cpfcarcher at 05 Dec 2013 4.31pm I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. Quote Hoof Hearted at 14 Nov 2013 2.37pm I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head. On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident. "He’s a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" – Tony Pulis
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cpfcarcher

Crouch End 05 Dec 13 4.33pm

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Quote cpfcarcher at 05 Dec 2013 4.31pm

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Quote Hoof Hearted at 14 Nov 2013 2.37pm

I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head.

On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident.

"He’s a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" – Tony Pulis

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lanzarote ron East Grinstead 05 Dec 13 6.25pm
On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife who lived in Dublin, Ireland were listening to the radio during breakfast.They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the road, so the snow ploughs can get through. So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the road,so the snow ploughs can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time ?" Edited by lanzarote ron (05 Dec 2013 6.26pm) When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.
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lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 05 Dec 13 6.25pm

On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife who lived in Dublin, Ireland were listening to the radio during breakfast.They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the road, so the snow ploughs can get through.
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the road,so the snow ploughs can get through.”
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power
went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes
exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car
in the garage this time ?"

Edited by lanzarote ron (05 Dec 2013 6.26pm)

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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rednblueblood 07 Dec 13 7.44pm
Isn't it nice and heart warming that because of Nelson Mandela's sad passing the Manchester united fans had a 90 minutes silence today. In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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rednblueblood 07 Dec 13 7.44pm

Isn't it nice and heart warming that because of Nelson Mandela's sad passing the Manchester united fans had a 90 minutes silence today.

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

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eaglesforward thailand 07 Dec 13 7.51pm
Heard the joke about the suitcase, better not tell you , you might get carried away. don't feed the seagulls
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eaglesforward

thailand 07 Dec 13 7.51pm

Heard the joke about the suitcase,
better not tell you , you might get carried away.

don't feed the seagulls

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becky over the moon 09 Dec 13 2.22pm
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales . At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch. One said to the waitress "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are but very, very, very slowly please?" The girl leaned over and said,'Burrr...gurrr...king' A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers
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becky

over the moon 09 Dec 13 2.22pm

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales . At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch. One said to the waitress

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are but very, very, very slowly please?"

The girl leaned over and said,'Burrr...gurrr...king'

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers

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Catfish Burgess Hill 11 Dec 13 11.42am
I see the new Cliff Richards festive record is out, "Jesus Christ it's Christmas again!". Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
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Catfish

Burgess Hill 11 Dec 13 11.42am

I see the new Cliff Richards festive record is out, "Jesus Christ it's Christmas again!".

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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Southampton_Eagle At the after party 11 Dec 13 11.49am
My dad's a proper man. When I was 14 I came home & said "Dad! I lost my virginity today!" He said "I'm proud of you son, I'm going to buy you a new bike. I'm sorry but you'll have to wait until next pay day" "That's alright Dad" I said. "I don't think I'm going to be able to sit down for a week"
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Southampton_Eagle

At the after party 11 Dec 13 11.49am

Send a Private Message to Southampton_Eagle

My dad's a proper man. When I was 14 I came home & said "Dad! I lost my virginity today!" He said "I'm proud of you son, I'm going to buy you a new bike. I'm sorry but you'll have to wait until next pay day" "That's alright Dad" I said. "I don't think I'm going to be able to sit down for a week"

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CrystalMH Tooting 11 Dec 13 12.57pm
Having been accused of being involved in a football betting scandal, DJ Campbell has come out and expressed that he is innocent and is hoping to play in Saturday's 2-2 draw with Millwall. @mallett1991 Premierleagles!
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CrystalMH

Tooting 11 Dec 13 12.57pm

Having been accused of being involved in a football betting scandal, DJ Campbell has come out and expressed that he is innocent and is hoping to play in Saturday's 2-2 draw with Millwall.

@mallett1991

Premierleagles!

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lanzarote ron East Grinstead 13 Dec 13 9.59pm
Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. "So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall ." "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames ." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says , "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property? ... the prat had a paper round!" When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.
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lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 13 Dec 13 9.59pm

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
"So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall ."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames ."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the prat had a paper round!"

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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lanzarote ron East Grinstead 13 Dec 13 10.04pm
The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the rugby – who shall I say is calling?" When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.
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lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 13 Dec 13 10.04pm

The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the rugby – who shall I say is calling?"

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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Southampton_Eagle At the after party 15 Dec 13 2.54am
Went to see my doctor about my premature ejaculation problem. He asked how my wife is dealing with it. "At first she took it on the chin but increasingly it's getting on her tits"
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Southampton_Eagle

At the after party 15 Dec 13 2.54am

Went to see my doctor about my premature ejaculation problem. He asked how my wife is dealing with it. "At first she took it on the chin but increasingly it's getting on her tits"

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 17 Dec 13 9.27pm
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove... Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 17 Dec 13 9.27pm

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or
screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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