October 7 2015

Mad All Over: The funniest Crystal Palace quotes... ever!

'Mad All Over: The funniest Crystal Palace quotes... ever!' is a collection of the most hilarious quotes from Crystal Palace players, managers and chairmen.

Thank you for registering your purchase of the book, and as promised, here are the bonus quotes that I wanted to give you.

Q: "If you weren't a footballer, what do you think you would be?"
A: "Miserable."
Peter Taylor, speaking to Shoot magazine in the 70s

"I am not a cashpoint machine. Do you think you can stick a card in my mouth and cash will come pouring out of my arse?"
Simon Jordan to manager Peter Taylor when he asked for some transfer funds

Reporter: "Have you done enough to feature in the Premier League next season?"
Damien Delaney: "Me personally? Yeah, I didn’t collect Frosties tokens to get there you know, I’ve had a good go at it!"
The defender after Palace's play-off final victory

"As long as they play well I'm sure managers don't care what they wear. I'm surprised at Christmas time that we haven't got a pair of boots with flashing lights!"
Neil Warnock has a new concept for football boots

"Who wants to be a football manager? Well, people like me who are too old to play, too poor to be a director and too much in love with the game to be an agent."
Steve Coppell

"I'm not a drinker, I can't dance to save my life and, to be honest, I'm afraid of the dark."
Andros Townsend on why he hasn't stepped foot inside a nightclub

"Adrian attends Bromley Comprehensive and is a keen goalkeeper. He likes listening to music and playing computer games. His favourite players have left the club."
Mascot profile in the Palace programme

"I've just signed another who doesn't speak English, so maybe my team talks will make sense now."
Steve Coppell

"One of the press guys told me this morning that on Delaney's Instagram he says he's agreed (to sign a new contract) so somebody at the club will tell me eventually. Unfortunately Damien can't tweet me but no doubt he'll let me know. It's good news if it is true."
Neil Warnock on reports of a new deal for Damien Delaney

"I can't remember anything about my first-ever goal. It was against Oldham, Andy Goram was in goal, Alan Irvine crossed it for me and we won 3-2."
Ian Wright

"I know I'm out of work, but that's a bit over the top, isn't it?"
Neil Warnock saw his wife cutting a "10 per cent off" voucher from a breakfast cereal packet shortly before getting the Palace job

"A lot of people, including other managers, reckoned Palace getting into the Premiership was a miracle. But keeping us there would rank alongside the Second Coming."
Iain Dowie, the Messiah

"It will stay with me forever. Adolf Hitler chasing a nun, with a policeman on horseback chasing the pair of them!"
Ian Wright recalls the pitch invasion by Birmingham fans in fancy dress outfits

"I’ve had to act as a bit of a translator with some of the lads to make sure the sayings aren’t lost on them."
Fraizer Campbell has to translate Neil Warnock's Yorkshire accent for the players

"If we hadn't got three points, I would have been topping myself now, I think."
Coppell almost took extreme measures after Palace held on to beat Reading 3-2

"Oops my bad lol[.] Yes I signed for CPFC and not Burnley. Sorry for the little mistake. The person who manages my Twitter got a little confused."
Christian Benteke had earlier written in his Twitter 'bio' that he had signed for Burnley, rather than Crystal Palace

"What I won't accept is an opinion from a man who's crooked and ruining the game – Neil Warnock, the man who signs players, gives them extra wages n app bonus to make sure they pay him to get in the team or on the bench."
Jason Puncheon

"A wonderful mimic, great singer, great dancer."
Not Michael Jackson but Steve Coppell describes Ian Wright

"All I've got to do now is get the accent right."
CLINTON MORRISON looking for a call-up after stating his Republic of Ireland eligibility

Alan Pardew: "F*cking hell. Seven-nil. Unbelievable. Seven-nil."

John Pemberton: "It was nine."

Alan Pardew: "F*cking hell."

Pardew lost count of the score after Palace's 9-0 defeat at Liverpool

"Kevin Doyle will never get an easier hat-trick than that... it's a good job that they sold Ibrahima Sonko to Stoke otherwise they could have had 10. But if you defend like that you'll get beaten by Bodmin and Saltash – never mind a team like Reading."
Neil Warnock after Palace's 4-2 defeat at Reading

"If I score against Tottenham, trust me, I am going to celebrate because I am on the pitch to score."
Emmanuel Adebayor is not bothered about upsetting the Spurs fans ahead of Palace's game against his former club

"One of the lads, Shaun Derry, did not train Tuesday because he had a groin problem, so I was told by physio. So imagine my concern when I saw him on the dance floor break-dancing and doing the splits. As I was dancing with Sharon at the time I whispered to him, 'I suppose this means you are fit for Saturday?'"
Neil Warnock on Palace's 2007 Christmas party

Headwaiter: "Mr Allison, your bar bill – I have to tell you, it is enormous."
Malcolm Allison: "ls that all? You insult me. Don't come back until it's double that!"

"We all wanted to kill each other."
Ian Wright says players almost came to blows after Palace lost their play-off semi first leg at Blackburn

"Does day follow night? I haven't a clue."
Neil Warnock is baffled

"Pardew is very smart in training but he’s too hot tempered in matches, so he even forgets how many substitutes are left."
Lee Chung-yong on Alan Pardew

"I am looking forward to going back on talkSPORT and BT after [finishing as a manager], when you can say what you want and enjoy it."
Neil Warnock can't wait to tell everyone his real views after picking up an FA improper conduct charge over his post-match comments against Chelsea

"I can't afford to keep giving my wife the same amount of money as the fine; it's a double whammy for me."
Warnock, who had to pay £9,000 for those post-match words from Palace's Chelsea defeat, later added he has to also pay his wife the equivalent of any FA fine

Steve Rider: "You're a bit of an Ibrahimovic fan, aren't you, Edgar?"
Edgar Davids: "No, I'm not a fan – I just think he is a really, really great player, and I like him a lot."

"I hated him. We sell Ian [Wright] for £2.5m to Arsenal and we buy this overweight guy from Sunderland. He used to talk widget beer, widgets in cans, and I just had the hump with it. I thought, 'I've slogged my guts out for this club and we pay this money for this guy and he's talking about some widget in a can'."
Andy Gray on Marco Gabbiadini

"Lombardo speaks much better English than what people realise."
Mark Goldberg

"Gary O'Reilly in my opinion made a major error and cost me a winners' medal."
Alan Pardew blames his teammate for the 1990 Cup Final defeat

"I don't really know what a billionaire could do for Palace – I have only been here six weeks. You'd better ask the chairman. There are not a lot of billionaires in Yorkshire."
Neil Warnock on reports that American businessman Josh Harris was buying Palace

John Salako: "Coach, can you not swear as much when you train us?"

Stan Ternent: "F*ck off."

"The sandwiches were fantastic today – all the lads made a comment because they didn't think they were going to get any!"
Neil Warnock is happy with the team's grub despite the club's financial troubles

"It's a good job I don't wear [yellow] and I'm not out there. It's an awful colour he had on. I thought he had a game that matched his shirt to be honest."
Ian Holloway blasts referee Graham Scott after a 1-1 draw against Huddersfield

Journalist: "What would avoiding relegation mean?"

Alan Smith: "A new Bentley for the chairman."

"Neil Warnock was the manager here and he didn’t do very well so I am not really interested in his opinion."
Alan Pardew on Neil Warnock who said Charlie Austin would be a good signing

"They go in because they are football crazy or football mad. You have to be bloody crackers to be a director of a football club anyway. Who'd pour money into football when you can earn 10 per cent with it, maybe 20 per cent with it?"
Arthur Wait

"I thought my team talk must have lost something in translation when we were a goal down in under a minute and turned round three goals behind."
Manager Attilio Lombardo on trying to get his message across as a non-English speaker

"I probably spend as much time sharing a bedroom with Wayne as I do with my wife. I don't think either of our partners are too happy about it, I think there's a bit of jealousy there... He brings the stuff we need, like an extra phone charger for me; he's a bit like the wife in our relationship!"
Joe Ledley on his bromance with Wayne Hennessey

"I'm not going to make it a target but it's something to aim for."
Steve Coppell

"He hasn’t got a case. Just send him the video. They’re prehistoric comments and I don’t know what era he’s in. Three or four of my players don’t drink. Perhaps he meant Coca-Cola. It’s nonsense."
Alan Pardew fumes at Sunderland's Sam Allardyce who claimed Palace would not be competitive against Newcastle because they would have "been on the pop" after reaching the FA Cup final

"We are about to enter the biggest period in Palace's immediate past history."
Iain Dowie

"He's a kind of Rolls-Royce communist."
Malcolm Allison on Brian Clough

"I'm normally a one goal every four seasons man, so three in one night is unbelievable. I think I was a day too late, I could have perhaps gone for four or five million yesterday!"
Danny Butterfield on his unexpected FA Cup hat-trick against Wolves, the day after the transfer window shut

"No, no. I've been breathing out of my a*se, to be honest."
Yannick Bolasie, when asked if he could have started against Tottenham after a spell on the sidelines

"I was playing for Sunderland when we were at home to Palace. Just as I was getting ready to take a throw-in Alan Pardew came along the touchline towards me and said, 'Come and play for my team next year'. In the middle of a game, eh? I found that really funny. Then I told him: 'OK, no problem'."
Patrick van Aanholt claims Alan Pardew tried to tap him up while he was taking a throw-in

"When we went to Wolves, they put out a plate of sandwiches in the dressing room afterwards and I advised the players to eat as much as they could. We have to send someone out to find cheap food at Sainsbury's."
Steve Coppell

"I think that's why they threw the last goal in, so they didn't go to Man City away. We heard the score."
Neil Warnock is irate at the Palace stadium announcer who told fans that Man City would be the opponents in the next round of the League Cup after a 7-0 win over Sheffield Wednesday while the match with Newcastle was ongoing

Q: What car do you drive?
A: Two Mercs and a Porsche.
Ade Akinbiyi in club programme

"No one gets sent off against us. No one. You have to really commit murder to get sent off against Crystal Palace."
Alan Pardew

"He'd wear skinny jeans and astroturfs with them. I had to have a word a couple of times and now it's coming off."
Wilfried Zaha on giving Martin Kelly fashion advice

"On Saturday, the referee kindly allowed Yaya Toure to stay on the pitch. If he hadn't already been booked that's a yellow card. 250,000,000 per cent."
Sam Allardyce pushes the boundaries of mathematics

"I obviously got my Angels wrong!"
Player-manager Kit Symons after diverting Aston Villa striker Juan Pablo Angel's effort into his own net

"We have a lot of serious investors at the club who perhaps don’t know a lot about football."
Alan Pardew takes a swipe at Palace's American co-owners

"We got on a bus and before we got to the hotel the driver said he had a message from his boss that he wouldn't take us to the ground unless I paid for the bus. That's the last time I was at Newcastle. I haven't got my money back for that bus by the way!"
Neil Warnock recalls his last visit to St James' Park with the Eagles in 2010 after hearing they had fallen into administration

"Thanks heavens Argentina don't watch him – he'd walk into their team. Whenever they ask for a video of him, I'll just send them ones of him making gaffes from about 10 years ago. They won't know the difference!"
Neil Warnock doesn't want Julian Speroni heading off on international duty

"In some respects I don't have any regrets. In other ways, I did blow £40 million, lost my wife, everything I had and was made to start from scratch."
Mark Goldberg looking back on his time at Palace

"When we were renegotiating the bonus system after winning promotion we decided to build one in for Europe, just in case we end up in the UEFA Cup."
Wishful thinking from Danny Granville

Malcolm Allison: "Brandy, please."

Barman: "Large or small?"

Allison: "The bottle."

Barman: "Will there be anything else?"

Allison: "Yes. Make sure you get that 'A' put back on my name on the sign outside."

A retired Allison in the Selhurst Park lounge named in his honour

"I usually last a couple of minutes here before the abuse starts, but it was minus 30 seconds today."
Neil Warnock after Palace's win at West Brom

Q: "Are you still flavour of the month with the fans?"
Ron Noades: "I never was. My favourite quote was it was easy for me to fill the Members' Stand at Crystal Palace. All I had to do was sit in the Arthur Wait Stand."
The chairman speaking in 1989

"It's a huge risk, of course it's a huge risk – but sometimes you've got to take these small risks."
New Palace manager Dougie Freedman

"I always find empty vessels make the most noise and, in Gordon's case, he is the size of an oil tanker."
Simon Jordan on Steve McClaren's agent Colin Gordon

"When people ask me what it is going to take for us to stay in the Premiership I say: Thierry Henry."
Iain Dowie

"It's about time bloody idiots like me stopped paying Premiership wages to First Division players with lousy attitudes."
Simon Jordan

"As a travel agent or an estate agent, you’d be perfect. As a footballer, no f*cking chance."
Alan Smith wants Gareth Southgate to toughen up

I hope you enjoyed 'Mad All Over' and the bonus quotes featured above. If you liked the book, could you please do me a favour and leave a nice review on Amazon?

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Just go to the link below and scroll down to click 'Write a customer review'.

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Thank you for reading!

Gordon Law, author