February 13 2008

Selhurst Park

An all-to-familiar voice impinged on Jamesey's consciousness as he travelled homeward from Selhurst Park.

A home defeat by Ipswich (0-1) on Tuesday (Feb 12) did not improve my mood as I sat sullenly on the Selhurst stopper to Clapham Junction.

And then, I might have known it, the taunting voice of Grossfudger made itself known for the first time in nearly a year ("Grossfudger is back" (March 12 2007)).

Just to remind readers, Grossfudger is my guardian demon, my alter ego who eagerly pops up to goad and jeer when times are bad, especially football times. If you have read Philip Pullman's books or even seen the movie, "The Amber Spyglass", imagine a malevolent and odious daemon not a loyal one and you have the picture.

"On another run now, you lot. Four games without a win," he chortled.

One of the advantages of the mobile phone era is that you can chat to an invisible person on a crowded train without being classed as a total lunatic.

"I have to admit that our expectations were perhaps a little high, Grossfudger," I replied.

"A little high," he exclaimed, "a month ago, you were trumpeting in this column that only utter pessimists wouldn't be looking forward to a play-offs place in May."

He was beginning to irritate me which, of course, is always his intention.

"Look Grossfudger, let's put things in perspective. The defeat at Leicester was just a blip, the other two defeats were by two of this division's top teams, Charlton and Ipswich, and the home draw against Southampton was a reasonable result," I replied defiantly.

"Come off it, Jamesey, your team has been rubbish lately and tonight you brought a new and deeper meaning to the word rubbish. You couldn't pass without hoofing and your so-called strikers couldn't hit a bull's backside with a shovel. And your keeper should have been red-carded.

"And that was only the Tractor Boys' second away win in the whole season," he continued triumphantly.

"One point out of 12, one goal in six hours. That says it all, Jamesey boy."

"Well, we couldn't go undefeated for ever," I told him, "it's just that we're having a bad run at the minute."

"You won't stop having a bad run by playing that sack of wet cowpats, Shefki Kuqi," taunted Grossfudger. "He must be worse than Ade Akinbiyi, and that's really saying something."

"I think we were all hoping that Neil Warnock could get something extra out of Shefki, just like he has with some of the others, especially James Scowcroft," I said.

"Well on tonight's evidence you can forget that. And while I'm here, why are many of your supporters so ecstatic about IAIN DOWIE getting the sack at Coventry?" he asked.

"The bloke comes in, takes you to the play-offs, wins the play-offs, gives you a cracking year in the Loadsamoneyship, much better than 97-98, and, blow me, gets you back to the play-offs again. Sounds like pretty damn good management to me. And now none of you can stand him."

"Well, he did make a right pig's ear of leaving, lying and taking the Charlton job,"

"Lying?", said Grossfudger "Lying? Everybody in football lies all the time. So what?"

And before I could argue, he sniggered and disappeared as I rose to disembark at Clapham Junction.

Email Jamesey with your comments to Jevans3704@aol.com

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