I was hoping to compile a list of events. If you've ever pretended you're in a race with other buses when you're sitting at the front on the upper deck of a routemaster, the commentary would be too embarrassing to admit or worse when you're on the bog imagining applause from an imaginary audience as you try to get into the medal positions for some new lavatorial water sport or suddenly allowed the urge for contemplation that arises when so seated to take you into strange imaginary discussions with the fellow fantasy experts of your choice, if you get my drift then could you please leave details of your pathetic private sports. I'll start you off ...

event 1 - imaginary bus driver racing (see above)
event 2 - pre-dump urination (instant disqualication for rim or seat splashing - lost points can be reclaimed during the subsequent blue riband event 3 - esp in the case of a no wipe needed scenario - I once got a standing ovation from the imaginary auditorium and a perfect score from the Finnish judges incidentally.
event 4 - walking home - once when about 12 got overtaken by a fellow schoolboy and fellow competitor (I surmised) who must have been going at least 15mph while keeping at least one foot on the ground.
So can you add to the list (maybe something to do with breakfast cereals - esp when you can count the bits)?

I've always wanted to represent Team GB in the double handed sprint but have failed to qualify (not even close sadly). Do you have any medals?

The clean and jerk?

When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC

I assume that any event that isn't crudely translatable to masturbation or sexual innuendo, is not a proper sport.

"One Nation Under God, has turned into One Nation Under the Influence of One Drug"
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The triple spunk, high spunk and Long Spunk are admirable achievements. For women, there is always the coxless pairs.

"One Nation Under God, has turned into One Nation Under the Influence of One Drug"
[Link]

"Anyone mind if I nob that bird?"

"She's already taken mate - that's bobsleigh"

Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]