An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Na ah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'it's mayonnaise.'


Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
Sh e says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: ' Sharon .'
Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?'
Sharon : 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f***ing hundreds of them!'


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon : 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'


An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why duz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So that's why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," Murphy says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs,

"Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Politicaly incorrect..and I don't give a s**t
******************************************************************

Proud to be an Infidel....Can't wait for the next crusade !!!

There's this woman and she's really ugly, she's so ugly that she can't get a man or get laid no mater what she doe's, she's tried everything to no avail. One day she gets talking to a friend, who informs her that she has a Chineses doctor who can perform miracles. "If he can't solve your problem no one can". So full of hope she goe's for an appointment.

"Please sit" he says "What is ploblem"

"I can't get a man no mater what I do" she says

"OK take off all your clothes" he says

This she does

"Get on hands and knees"

"Now crawl toward me" This she does

"Now turn round, crawl back" This she does

"Now put on your clothes"

She finishes dressing herself and sits down. " Well is there anything wrong with me?" she asks.

"Yes......you have Ed Zakerley disease" he replies

"Ed Zakerley disease....what that?"

"Well no mater which way round you are you look Ed Zakerley the same to me"!!!

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

That sort of joke is really not meant for this thread Reich!!!!
This is a crap joke thread.Not a sick crap joke thread!

I know you are but what am I?

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Love this...

Dulce et decorum est pro Palace mori

"Gee, you and I oughtta get on swell Mister Burton, as we're both Selts".
"No, I am a Selt. You are a Sunt."

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

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I was speeding down the motorway at 100mph in my lorry when a motorbike came up along side me.
He looked at me...did a handstand on his bike, then tapped my window.
"You haven't got a fag have you mate?" he said.
"A fag....you're going to f*cking kill yourself!" I shouted.
"No......I only smoke 10 a day," he said.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

What's green and smells of pork ?

Kermit's middle finger

bastid...i had just cut that joke to post.

‘Football isn’t instant coffee. You have to work at it. You must grow the bean, grind it.’ Ian Holloway

The jokes on here about baby p are disgusting!

.

As the festive season is upon us, please remember that a Doggie is not just for Xmas..........it's a great position all year round