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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Haynesy44 Crawley 20 Sep 12 2.24pm
Mary had a little skirt, a slit right up the back And every time she wore the skirt the boys could see her crack Mary had another skirt, a slit right up the front But she didn't wear that one We are the red & blue army!

Haynesy44

Crawley 20 Sep 12 2.24pm

Mary had a little skirt, a slit right up the back
And every time she wore the skirt the boys could see her crack

Mary had another skirt, a slit right up the front
But she didn't wear that one

We are the red & blue army!

wollongongeagle wollongong 27 Sep 12 11.48am
Police made a public appeal today for any information that may lead to the apprehension of an Ecstasy manufacturing ring, which is using Wrigleys packaging as a cover for distribution in the Pontefract region. Chief Constable Albert Bucklethwaite of the West Yorkshire Police said it's a clear case of 'Eee by gum.' We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!

wollongongeagle

wollongong 27 Sep 12 11.48am

Police made a public appeal today for any information that may lead to the apprehension of an Ecstasy manufacturing ring, which is using Wrigleys packaging as a cover for distribution in the Pontefract region.

Chief Constable Albert Bucklethwaite of the West Yorkshire Police said it's a clear case of 'Eee by gum.'

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!

Herewegoagain East Sussex 28 Sep 12 12.00pm
Schoolgirl Megan Stammers and her teacher have been spotted drinking at a bar in France. He was necking Glenfiddich while she was swallowing Teachers !!!!!!!

Herewegoagain

East Sussex 28 Sep 12 12.00pm

Schoolgirl Megan Stammers and her teacher have been spotted drinking at a bar in France.
He was necking Glenfiddich while she was swallowing Teachers !!!!!!!

Palacetinian Surrey Fam 01 Oct 12 11.21pm
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . . " And you, Nancy?" "I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!" Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 01 Oct 12 11.21pm

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

since1953 Maidenhead 01 Oct 12 11.38pm
Two gay cowboys in a tent First Cowboy - Yup? Second Cowboy - Yup

since1953

Maidenhead 01 Oct 12 11.38pm

Two gay cowboys in a tent
First Cowboy - Yup?
Second Cowboy - Yup

Bin Liner London , Southfields 16 Oct 12 12.15pm
Alan Pardew has told his players to forget about the Wonga shirt sponsor deal and just go out and give 4040% in thier next game. Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

Bin Liner

London , Southfields 16 Oct 12 12.15pm

Alan Pardew has told his players to forget about the Wonga shirt sponsor deal and just go out and give 4040% in thier next game.

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

teejay61 The Cup of Sid 22 Oct 12 1.24pm
Viagara have released a new tablet called Viagara 007 It doesn't make you any harder, it just makes you Roger Moore Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971

teejay61

The Cup of Sid 22 Oct 12 1.24pm

Viagara have released a new tablet called Viagara 007

It doesn't make you any harder, it just makes you Roger Moore

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971

rednblueblood 27 Oct 12 10.51pm
q.p.r. In dog beers I’ve only had one.

rednblueblood 27 Oct 12 10.51pm

q.p.r.

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

Palacetinian Surrey Fam 29 Oct 12 9.12pm
What have New York and Danny Zuko got in common? They were both f*ed by Sandy!! Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!**

Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 29 Oct 12 9.12pm

What have New York and Danny Zuko got in common?

They were both f***ed by Sandy!!

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Palacetinian Surrey Fam 30 Oct 12 9.15am
I wish everyone would lay off Jimmy Saville. He was really nice to me. When I was 8 he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded. Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 30 Oct 12 9.15am

I wish everyone would lay off Jimmy Saville. He was really nice to me. When I was 8 he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Catfish Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.11pm
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah, wide eyed "Go for it!” "Doggy style?" "Sure, sure!” he pants. "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey a side order of melted chocolate and a p***. video?" "You may indeed." "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing." Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.11pm

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah, wide eyed "Go for it!”
"Doggy style?"
"Sure, sure!” he pants.
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey a side order of melted chocolate and a p***. video?"
"You may indeed."
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Bin Liner London , Southfields 12 Nov 12 7.20pm
Dear Noel Edmonds; Give me £100k or I will say you w/anked me off on Swap Shop, Deal or no deal? Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

Bin Liner

London , Southfields 12 Nov 12 7.20pm

Dear Noel Edmonds;
Give me £100k or I will say you w/anked me off on Swap Shop, Deal or no deal?

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

Catfish Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.35pm
A touching love story from Jamaica: Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila was maintaining a vigil at his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale, cracked lips began to move slightly. "Meh dahlin' Leila," he whispered. "Hush meh love.", she said, "Rest. Shhhhhh... nuh talk. " He was insistent. "Leila.", he said in his tired voice, "Me have somet'ing me hafi confess to yuh." "Yuh have nuttin to confess.", replied the weeping Leila. "Everyt'ing alright, go to sleep meh love." "No. No, me hafi die in peace meh love. Me sleep wid yuh sista, yuh best frien' an' yuh mudda." "Me know...”, answered Leila, "Dat ah why me poison yuh rass." Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.35pm

A touching love story from Jamaica:

Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila was maintaining a vigil at his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale, cracked lips began to move slightly.
"Meh dahlin' Leila," he whispered.
"Hush meh love.", she said, "Rest. Shhhhhh... nuh talk. "
He was insistent. "Leila.", he said in his tired voice, "Me have somet'ing me hafi confess to yuh."
"Yuh have nuttin to confess.", replied the weeping Leila. "Everyt'ing alright, go to sleep meh love."
"No. No, me hafi die in peace meh love. Me sleep wid yuh sista, yuh best frien' an' yuh mudda."
"Me know...”, answered Leila, "Dat ah why me poison yuh rass."

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.48pm
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and Pumice Stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and runs red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces and wrap self in towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers, (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth? Don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud fart sounds in shower. Wash bollocks and surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes. Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.48pm

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and Pumice Stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and runs red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces and wrap self in towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers, (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth? Don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud fart sounds in shower. Wash bollocks and surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back
curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for
whole shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Mikeybaby 19 Nov 12 10.51am
I called Babestation last night; The woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you, you gorgeous stud?" "Fcuking hide", I said "The missus is coming and I've lost the remote."

Mikeybaby

19 Nov 12 10.51am

I called Babestation last night;

The woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you, you gorgeous stud?"

"Fcuking hide", I said "The missus is coming and I've lost the remote."

Bin Liner London , Southfields 21 Nov 12 2.11pm
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents last week, after saying hello my dad pulled me to one side and whispered " you could have done better then that son,she's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! she must weigh 20 odd stone,covered in spots,lips like a cod,she's got a beard,she's crossed eyed, going bald,size 15 feet and she f/ucking stinks! I said "there no need to whisper dad she's deaf as well" Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

Bin Liner

London , Southfields 21 Nov 12 2.11pm

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents last week, after saying hello my dad pulled me to one side and whispered " you could have done better then that son,she's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! she must weigh 20 odd stone,covered in spots,lips like a cod,she's got a beard,she's crossed eyed, going bald,size 15 feet and she f/ucking stinks!
I said "there no need to whisper dad she's deaf as well"

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

moylerg Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 8.58pm
What cheese can you hide a horse with? Mascarpone What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with? Camenbert My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel. Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 8.59pm) Most certainly not European.

moylerg

Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 8.58pm

What cheese can you hide a horse with?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with?
Camenbert

My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel.

Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 8.59pm)

Most certainly not European.

Therealeaglestilidie 22 Nov 12 9.03pm
What cheese can you hide a horse with? Mascarpone What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with? Camenbert My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel. Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !! I'm so Palace I don't even know it

Therealeaglestilidie

22 Nov 12 9.03pm

What cheese can you hide a horse with?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with?
Camenbert

My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel.

Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !!

I'm so Palace I don't even know it

moylerg Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 9.04pm
Quote Therealeaglestilidie at 22 Nov 2012 9.03pm What cheese can you hide a horse with? Mascarpone What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with? Camenbert My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel. Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !! Still excellent crap jokes! Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 9.05pm) Most certainly not European.

moylerg

Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 9.04pm

Quote Therealeaglestilidie at 22 Nov 2012 9.03pm

What cheese can you hide a horse with?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with?
Camenbert

My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel.

Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !!

Still excellent crap jokes!

Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 9.05pm)

Most certainly not European.

Horley Eagle Somewhere only I know 30 Nov 12 11.04am
Took my wife to a nightclub last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor moonwalking, body popping and break dancing. My wife turned to me and said "See that bloke there? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I looked at my wife and said "Looks like he's still celebrating." Edited by Horley Eagle (30 Nov 2012 11.05am) Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

Horley Eagle

Somewhere only I know 30 Nov 12 11.04am

Took my wife to a nightclub last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor moonwalking, body popping and break dancing. My wife turned to me and said "See that bloke there? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I looked at my wife and said "Looks like he's still celebrating."

Edited by Horley Eagle (30 Nov 2012 11.05am)

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

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