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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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BudgiesBeak Flag London 04 Aug 13 11.49pm

Last night I dreamed that I was drowning in orangeade. Then I woke up and realized that it was a Fanta sea.

 
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 05 Aug 13 8.59am

My girlfriend is really ill at the moment.

This morning I had to carry her into the kitchen so she could make me breakfast.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
rednblueblood 18 Aug 13 7.57pm

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
Hoof Hearted 22 Aug 13 10.20am

The underpants bomber defence lawyer told him to say it was an accident rather than a deliberate act of terror.

The prosecuting counsel was able prove he was lying because his pants were on fire.

 
Bin Liner Flag London , Southfields 29 Aug 13 8.34am

just had a dyslexic whore offer to cook my socks for £50!

 

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly
Temps Flag Cronx 03 Sep 13 4.32pm

The wife was complaining about how small her breasts were so I suggested wiping some tissue between them regularly.
She asked how that would help.
I told her that it had done a f***ing good job on her arse.


Thank you ill get my coat!

 

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!
olls Flag Eastbourne 12 Sep 13 5.45pm

Pepsi Max beats all

 

I'll never forget the day that Danny Butterfield scored that hattrick.
And when Ambrose scored that worldy at Old Trafford.

Red and Blue Army! No Matter What.
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 12 Sep 13 9.51pm

We had a power cut last week and my computer TV and games console shut down immediately, it was raining so I couldn’t play golf so I had to talk to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person though

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
Pikester Flag Worthing 19 Sep 13 1.42pm

Quote doi209 at 16 Jul 2013 8.46pm

A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..

"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't have a proper name. Bad news is..you only have six months to live..."

The man goes home and tells his wife. After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.

So the go down to Gala Bingo. In the entrance hall he puts a pound in the slot machine..and wins £200.

He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.

He plays the national link and wins £20000.

Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive. You win £200, all the bingo and £20k national."

The man says "I have Yellow 42"

"Bugger me" says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well".


This got the first laugh out of my teenage boys for years. Normally I tell them I have a joke for them and they raise their eyebrows and skulk off. For a few moments after telling this one they almost liked me!

 

You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.
eagles400 Flag Godalming 19 Sep 13 2.14pm

A man is sitting at a bar alone and when a stranger walks in. They exchange a few pleasantries and the random man asks why he is sitting alone "you see that wall over there? The one with the perfect pointing? Beautiful isn’t it? I built that with my own hands" The random man agrees "it sure is a brilliant wall, but that doesn't answer my question?!
The man continues "as you drove in to the Village, did you notice the bridge? The massive bridge with the immaculate pointing in the brickwork and the steels at the perfect angles?" A real work of art isn't it?! I built that" Again the random man agrees but still confused as to why this man is sitting alone.
"Did you see the dam as you drove in off the motorway? Beautiful isn't it, because of me this village will never flood now; I built that with my own bare hands but you shag one goat………..”

 
Pikester Flag Worthing 19 Sep 13 7.46pm

We call my granddad Spiderman - he hasn't got any special powers, he just has trouble getting out the bath.

I nearly didn't make it to work today. My wife was heating some Alphabetti Spaghetti and it exploded.
No one was hurt but it could have spelt disaster.


 

You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.
Lumsdero Flag 20 Sep 13 4.25pm

3 mums are in the queue for the cinema with their children, whilst waiting a young girl looks up at her mother and asks:

Why is my name Rose, mama?

Mum: because darling, when you were born a rose petal drifted from the sky and landed on your head, it seemed appropriate.

Another young, inquisitive girl looks up and asks:

Why is my name Lily?

Mum: well, when you were born, a Lily fell from the sky and landed on your head, it was a beautiful moment.

Third in line looks up at his mother and asks:

WHWYFR ISIUDF VYMYJJMN NAAAMEME BRIRJKWEML DERRG?

Mum: Shut up Brick

 
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 30 Sep 13 10.51am

Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie. 'Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?' she asked.

'I go to the football match,' replied the child.
'And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?'
'I go to Sunday School.'
'And which do you like best?'
'There's not much to choose between them, really,' said the boy. 'At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus' sake and at the football match they tell me to sit down for God's sake!'

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 02 Oct 13 11.32pm

Why do farmers wear wellington boots?

Because they don't give subsidies for shoelaces.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 03 Oct 13 12.57pm

I think my wife might be dead.

In bed things are the same but the kitchen's in a right state!

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
steviebarton Flag Gosberton, Lincolnshire 09 Oct 13 10.12pm

A government minister said "badgers moved the goalposts" when asked why marksmen failed to reach a cull target. (BBC News). Possible way of tightening up our defence?

 
SirPeanut Flag Keston 09 Oct 13 11.28pm

You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them.

Really full of themselves.

 

There are two kinds of person in this world:
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 10 Oct 13 9.18am

Quote SirPeanut at 09 Oct 2013 11.28pm

You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them.

Really full of themselves.


 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
PA Flag Bedfordshire 10 Oct 13 10.07pm

Have you noticed how cute petite sexy ladies all drive little sports cars.

Which reminds me that the MOT is due on my wife's Transit van.

 
suicideatselhurst Flag crawley 14 Oct 13 2.11pm

What do you say to woman with two black eye's...Nothing you have already told her twice

 

Theres someone in my head ... But its not me

X/Box game Tag bazcpfc1961, clan (HMS)
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