What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Why are there so many Patels in the phone book?
They all have phones.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

I bought an HP Laserjet Printer off Bob Marley.

It was rubbish.

Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening

Good news: The austrian cellar rapist is going to face the death penalty!
Bad news: John Terry is going to take it!

The Jewish kamikaze pilot. Crashed his plane into his brother's scrap metal yard.

"Doctor doctor, one day I think i'm a wigwam, the next day a teepee"

"Can you come back when you're a marquee? My daughter's getting married!"

don't you just hate it when people write things they think are really clever here?

sorry if some of these have been posted already, but some classic Tommy Cooper gags.
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

two fish in a tank.

one says to the other, you know how to drive this thing?

Twitter:

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I'd say shut the f*** up, i'm watching Futurama, just like I do to anyone else who sneezes !!!

don't you just hate it when people write things they think are really clever here?

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop ejaculating!"

"Come again?"

I was there

19/12/2006

My website - it has over 300 free things to do in London - ideal for parents or students, or anyone really
[Link]