I walked into the pub and the fag machine called me a cnut, but a dish of peanuts said how nice I looked.

The barman explained that the fag machine was out of order and the peanuts were complimentary.

Loverman is a fcuking arsehole.

"I'm off to Spain next week".

"Nice.which part?"

"All of me"

."...when two opposite points of view are expressed with equal intensity, the truth does not necessarily lie exactly halfway between them. It is possible for one side to be simply wrong."

Richard Dawkins

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

I was walking down the road the other night and this bloke came up to me and said "Have you seen a policeman about?"

I said "no"

He said "Stick 'em up."

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

I said, "Doctor, I can't say my "Fs" my "Ts" and my "Hs".

He said, "You can't say fairer than that then."

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

An Israeli arrives at London's Heathrow airport.

As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him; "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replies "No, just visiting!"

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.