October 24 2002

A joke team

In the build-up to the big game, we share a few jokes at the expense of the Seaweed...

One day, a man walks into a antique shop in London. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in the corner.

The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price. "£12 for the cat, sir, and £100 for the story that goes with it." "I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two streets, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are beginning to point and shout.

He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as hundreds of cats swarm from alleys, basements, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely. He looks up and sees that he is running towards the edge of the River Thames, and the trail of cats is now several hundred yards long behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the river.

Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the embankment and into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper. "No," says the man, "I was wondering if you have a bronze sculpture of a Brighton fan?"

Q: How many Brighton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they're all happy living in the shadows

A little boy goes to court because his parents beat him.

The judge asks the little boy: "Well son would you like to live with your mother?" So the boy replies: "No, my mum beats me!" So the judge says: "Well son, would you like to live with your Dad?" So the little boy replies: "No, my Dad beats me!".

So the judge all out of ideas asks the little boy: "Well son, who would you like to live with then?". So the boy replies "Brighton and Hove Albion."

So the judge is really puzzled and asks, "Well, why Brighton and Hove Albion?" So the boy replies "Well Mr judge, Brighton and Hove Albion, they don't beat anyone..."

Money-saving tip for Brighton fans: Don't waste money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large dildo to your forehead. It will be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support!

Have you heard that you can now buy Oxo cubes in Brighton colours? Just ask for laughing stock.

A man desperate at Brighton's current situation decides to top himself in his living room, alone. He prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment he decides upon wearing his full Brighton kit as his last statement.

Several days later, a neighbour, catching sight of the hanging corpse, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The neighbour, totally confused, asks why. The cop replies: "It's to avoid embarrassing his family."

Q: What is the difference between a Brighton fan and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

All these jokes and lots more are available here