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January 22 2026 5.21pm

Are you Ade Akinbiyi?

September 21 2003

Ade Akinbiyi

Ade Akinbiyi

Answer our 10 questions to find out if you really are the useless lump of cack Palace had the misfortune of signing for £2.2million...

1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to beat. The last defender is only 5ft 3in and seven stone. What happens next?
a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the ref will give you the most unlikely penalty eve awarded.
2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?
a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Goalscorer?. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's abeached whale.
3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird craps on you from overhead. How do you react to this?
a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.
4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?
a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the hell is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of spuds on a skateboard....then fall off with ten metres to go and the clock at fou minutes 56.
5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How do you head the ball?
a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has neve been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from Watford.
6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance ahead of you, so what do you do?
a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Sweet FA. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed tit. You're not running for no bloody ball, you're not. And why the hell should you? Ten grand a week? Let some other mug run for what they're paying you. You might strain a bootlace with all that effort.
7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller playe from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?
a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced 50 feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, a pulled bank balance and an ego-strain.
8. You like to take off your shirt on the occasional times you do score. Why is this?
a) Because it shows I work out.
b) Because it's a good goalscoring celebration.
c) Because despite all that so-called upper body strength, you're a fat useless twat who keeps falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.
9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to your new club?
a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of best clubs in the division.
c) Earthquakes in the Stoke area have increased by 3,000% because of your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.
10. What do you look like in a football shirt?
a) Majestic, like you were born to wear it.
b) Ordinary, but once you get on that pitch there's no stopping you as you give your all for the cause.
c) Like a giant lump of crap. And you're about as mobile as well. And you're about as mobile as well. Oh, I tell a lie - turds do move when they start to decompose. It's a very slow process, but it's still quicker than you, you immobile tub of washed up dolphin s***.



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