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Old Jamesey's Almanack

December 28 2006

Selhurst Park

Selhurst Park

Jamesey reads the tea-leaves and predicts the fortunes of CPFC for 2007.



Palace lose 0-6 at home to Hull City. Peter Taylor calls for crowd to get behind the team.

Simon Jordan gives full backing to Taylor.

Shefki Kuqi scores hat-trick (two goals "paunched" in and one deflects from an overhead seagull, completely deceiving the keeper) away to Sunderland but Connolly scores seven times for Sunderland to take the points. Eagles sink to 22nd in the league.


Amazing scenes as Scott Flinders keeps clean sheet away to Leeds Utd. The goalless draw is hailed as a "magnificent achievement" and "a significant step towards the play-off positions" by Peter Taylor.

Simon Jordan gives full backing to Peter Taylor.

After the threat of an armed insurrection, the sound system at Selhurst is turned down so that supporters can actually hear each other speak above the ear-splitting music in certain parts of the stadium.


Iain Dowie, recently appointed manager of Leicester, returns to Selhurst for first time since summer of 06. Foxes squad are decimated by flu outbreak so Dowie dons No 9 shirt and scores four goals in a decisive 1-4 win. Dowie gets standing ovation from Palace fans at final whistle.

Peter Taylor urges fans to get behind the home team. Simon Jordan gives full backing to Peter Taylor and issues writ, accusing Dowie of "fraudulent appearance in a Leicester shirt".

Palace go down to 23rd in the league.


Palace beat Wolves at home 1-0, to take them back above relegation zone. Winning goal is scored by Clinton Morrison from a Ben Watson corner kick which amazingly finds a Palace player. Team are so shocked by this that they nearly concede within seconds but Speroni scrambles ball round the post.

Palace lose heavily at Barnsley (4-0) and slip down to 22nd again.

Peter Taylor calls for more effort from the fans and players. Simon Jordan sacks Peter Taylor.


Managed by Simon Jordan, Palace beat Colchester 0-2 away. All botTOM teams lose and Eagles finish at 21st to stay in the Championship league for the following season.

Leo Spall of the Standard calls Jordan "a superb tactician and motivator".

Several children start threads on HOL Palace Talk asking "Who is your favourite Palace player?" and "Who was the worst Palace player?" for 600th time.


Simon Jordan sacks himself as manager and advertises the job in The Times. Shane Warne and Ronnie Corbett are rumoured to be strong favourites for the position.

Peter Taylor serves writ on Simon Jordan for "mental cruelty and unfair dismissal".

"Unfair? The f***er would have got us relegated if I hadn't taken over..." he is quoted as saying in The Sun.

After interviewing 30 candidates, Simon Jordan appoints Bob Dowie as new manager of Crystal Palace. The Bloke Who Warms Up The Goalkeepers (TBWWUTG), and is infinitely better at dead ball kicks than any of the players, is made Bob's assistant.


Bob Dowie brings in Teddy Sheringham for a season to join his son Charlie, so the Sheringhams, fils and pere, could be playing in the same team. Eagles play Inter Milan at Selhurst in pre-season friendly, and win 6-0 with a hat-trick each from the Sheringhams, five of the goals created from corners and free kicks from TBWWUTG.

However, the following week Palace lose 0-3 away to a Little Flittering on the Wold Haddock Smoking Works team composed of mentally challenged factory workers.

Bob Dowie gives free transfers to Scowcroft, Kuqi, Morrison, Freedman, Ward and Cort.


Palace's opening game is at home to Leicester and sees Bob Dowie taking on brother Iain. Charlie and Teddy Sheringham start the game which ends in a scrappy 1-1 draw and there is a most unfraternal scuffle between Bob and Iain on the touchline at the final whistle.

The pundits scratch their heads over whether this is the first league game of the modern era where two brothers have managed opposing teams and whether a father and son have played in the same side before. The tabloids have a field-day with headlines like "Brothers-in-war", "No luv tween Bob and bruv" and "Chas and Teddy at the ready".

Simon Jordan gives full backing to Bob Dowie and issues another writ on Iain for "malicious and provocative behaviour".


A Palace scout uncovers Wayne Rooney's younger brother 14-year-old Darren playing in Merseyside schools football. Darren is given a trial and starts the away game against Wolves (Youngest ever, etc, etc, ponder the pundits) but Palace lose 3-0.

Simon Jordan gives full backing to Bob Dowie and announces ambitious plans to refurbish Selhurst into an arena "worthy of Premiership football", with gourmet food outlets, topless waitress cocktail bars and a live symphony orchestra on the pitch at half time to raise the level of the CPFC image.


Bob Dowie creates a triumvirate of team captains in TOM SOARES, Gary Borrowdale and Ben Watson, "to encourage the youthful talent we have here at Selhurst".

It takes them so long to agree over who takes free kicks and corners that they are all booked for time wasting in the game at home to Southampton.

The press have taken to calling the young Palace outfit, "The Team of the Noughties".

At the end of the month Palace sink to 22nd in the CCC.


Palace lose at home to Charlton (0-3) in the league and Millwall (0-4) in the cup.

Simon Jordan sacks Bob Dowie and, as earlier in the year, appoints himself as caretaker manager.

Darren Rooney is involved in an incident outside Yobz Club in Croydon and is rushed to Mayday with a suspected broken leg.

In desperation Jordan brings in Attilio Lombardo who had retired from football and is running a restaurant, Casa Attilio, in the Kings Road, Chelsea.

Lombardo scores one and creates another for TOM SOARES but Palace still lose 3-2 at Colchester. Palace are 24th, botTOM of the league.


Simon Jordan calls press conference at Selhurst Park and announces that new Palace manager will be Dame Kelly Holmes who sprints up onto the platform and waves to the stunned sports hacks.

"Dame in the game" and "Kelly's Aye" trumpet the red tops and Prime Minister Gordon Brown congratulates Simon Jordan for "an ambitious and brave decision which can only advance the cause of black female progress in our multicultural and polyethnic society". An aide points out to Gordon that actually Dame Kelly was born and raised in Kent.

She announces that her policy will be to kick some butts and get CPFC moving up the table.

The Dame wins her first four games as manager, is named Manager of the Month of December, and is given a standing ovation from the Selhurst fans every time she appears at the touchline.

At the end of 2007 Palace are 11th in the table and looking good for the play-offs. "The future is looking great for this f***ing football club," says Simon Jordan on New Year's Eve.

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