I was at the airport and went up to the desk and asked for a KFC Bargain Bucket.

The girl said "No Sir, this is the Check-In desk."

Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening

....Think of Tommy Cooper when you read this ..........


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, permanent."

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I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
-------------------

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

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Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
--------------------------------

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.

'Best Before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he then?"
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said, "You've got cholera."

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

----------------------------

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

----------------------------

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

He had a photographic memory but it was never developed.

My old man works at Tesco and he told me there was an emergency call to the aisle that sells Alphabetti Spaghetti. "What happened Dad" I said
"Nothing son, but it could of spelt disaster"

I was in Tescos and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “are you two an item?”

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Two dyslexic blokes walking down the street

one says to the other

can you smell fish?

leave it out, says the other one

I have a bloody job smelling my own name

Soar with the eagles or scratch with the chickens

Knock knock

who's there?

Biggish!

Biggish who?

NO THANK YOU !

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

My wife sat down on the
setee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Cokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

a boy standing in his back garden says to his mum
"why is my charlton top lying on the grass" his mum looks out and shouts "the thieving c--ts have taken my pegs!"