Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered."
The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

Funniest at the Fringe

Winner was
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

Followed by

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

A man with authority walks into a bar. He orders everyone around.

A dyslexic walks into a bra

I'll fetch your coat for you!

Edited by dollardays (25 Oct 2019 3.13pm)

Patient: Tell it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?

Doctor: 5

Patient: 5 what? 5 years? 5 months??

Doctor: 4, 3, 2...

I recently asked a German friend of mine why he kept a piece of meat in his car boot.
He said "Ah.... that's my spare veal".

“Will I be OK, doctor?”
“I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
“I don’t do all that astrology stuff.”
“Me neither, my thermometer just broke!”

Life isn't fair. I beat an egg then got thyme for it.

'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'