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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)
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 Shufflin  Wellington 15 Jun 13 7.34am |
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Man walks into bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says
"This is the pig ive got to shag now that youve got a headache"
His wife looks up from the bed and says
"I think youll find its a sheep not a pig"
Man says
"I think youll find I was talking to the sheep"
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Willo  South coast - west of Brighton. 20 Jun 13 8.57am |
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I've seen both of them 'Live' at the 'Palladium'. I also saw Tommy Cooper 'Live' in Catford.
In actual fact, many years ago my wife and I were staying in a suite in a hotel in Cardiff and the porter taking our bags to the room stated that Tommy Cooper had stayed in the same suite ! Very, very funny man, a comic genius.
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| doi209 Fighting for the weak and innocent... 20 Jun 13 9.05am |
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Quote Willo at 20 Jun 2013 8.57am
I've seen both of them 'Live' at the 'Palladium'. I also saw Tommy Cooper 'Live' in Catford.
In actual fact, many years ago my wife and I were staying in a suite in a hotel in Cardiff and the porter taking our bags to the room stated that Tommy Cooper had stayed in the same suite ! Very, very funny man, a comic genius.
I've looked at this for a few minutes...and nope - still don't see the punchline.
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| winksie oxford 22 Jun 13 9.52pm |
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What did Sir Alan Sugar say to the gone off milk?
Your expired!
(made that one up myself)
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| rednblueblood 24 Jun 13 7.02am |
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My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then asked to come in for a cup of coffee.
I said "f*** off Dave, I've got to go to work."
In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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Cannonball  High in the Ozarks. 26 Jun 13 2.15pm |
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A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man
passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last
ting on my mind at the moment
Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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| eagle52 Shirley,Croydon 30 Jun 13 11.17am |
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I met a girl at a party last night-I said "You remind me of my little toe!"-She said, "Small and petite?" "No" I said,"I'll probably bang you later on the table when I'm p*ssed."
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| Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 01 Jul 13 2.42pm |
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I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the
curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they
wanted the name of a country?
Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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| eagle52 Shirley,Croydon 07 Jul 13 8.54am |
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Marvin Gaye once asked me how I managed to get my cattle from a field from one side of the vineyard to the other.
"I herd them through the grapevines" I replied.
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| madmel73 Croydon 09 Jul 13 4.03pm |
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A Belgian Kiss is like a French Kiss...but with more phlegm!!
More on this theme...?
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| rednblueblood 10 Jul 13 9.36pm |
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An Australian kiss is like a French kiss but its down under (¡)
In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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| doi209 Fighting for the weak and innocent... 16 Jul 13 8.46pm |
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A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..
"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't have a proper name. Bad news is..you only have six months to live..."
The man goes home and tells his wife. After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So the go down to Gala Bingo. In the entrance hall he puts a pound in the slot machine..and wins £200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He plays the national link and wins £20000.
Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive. You win £200, all the bingo and £20k national."
The man says "I have Yellow 42"
"Bugger me" says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well".
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saveloy  carmarthen 19 Jul 13 12.45pm |
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Quote Johnny Eagles at 18 Jul 2013 4.01pm
What's pink, 12 inches long and will make a woman moan all night long?
Cot death.
Hope this never happens to you prick.
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palace777  belfast 19 Jul 13 12.50pm |
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Quote Johnny Eagles at 18 Jul 2013 4.01pm
What's pink, 12 inches long and will make a woman moan all night long?
Cot death.
well out of order!
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| doi209 Fighting for the weak and innocent... 19 Jul 13 11.37pm |
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You've got it you sad, sad very sad person
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| rednblueblood 20 Jul 13 6.01pm |
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A family are driving behind a dust bin lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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| Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 22 Jul 13 8.17pm |
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I never knew my mechanic was a sex-psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.
Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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| Horley Eagle Somewhere only I know 26 Jul 13 4.32pm |
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Stuart Hall has had his sentenced doubled after the judge decided to play his joker.
Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.
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Johnny Eagles  berlin 26 Jul 13 7.02pm |
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What does a 60 year old have between her tits that a 20 year old doesn't?
Her belly button.
Edited by Johnny Eagles (26 Jul 2013 7.02pm)
...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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| Johnny Eagles berlin 27 Jul 13 12.02am |
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Another horrible one (you've been warned!)
What has 78 holes and lots of money?
A spanish gravedigger
...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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