she was only a petrol pump attendants daughter but she liked the smell of Benzoyl

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

2 crackers there Pikey!

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him
in the rear view mirror.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue"
Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played
in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough ?"



Driver replies "No you thick t***, where do you want to go

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your interest in the latest C4 documentary project and the charming photograph of your wife and application form.

I would inform you that the documentary is actually called "FACT HUNT".

Yours Faithfully

C4 Documentary Production Team

No such thing as I wouldn't with a face like mine!!

Sometimes to impress Girls, I use big words, that I don't fully understand, in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

I woke up in intensive care after an accident and this gorgeous nurse said to me "You may not feel anything from the waist down".

I mumbled "Can I feel your t1ts then love?".

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.

Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge.

I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head.

On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident.

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get foocked."

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.